Skillful Living

Hardship Brings New Incentive to Practice Life Skills

I am having a hard time right now with coping with things lately. Normally, meditation works to solve stress that I find myself in. Unfortunately, Monkey Mind has taken over and I have decided that it is time to put my DBT (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy) Skills to work. I learned these skills some time ago and found a great deal of success in overcoming much of the anxious tension that fills me up.

The first thing to do is to determine what is really causing the problems. I believe there are several issues going on at the same time.

  1. I am not getting enough sleep. I do actually go into my bed but falling asleep is just not happening lately.
  2. Cherokee is having major anger issues (partly due to Aspergers syndrome, and partly due to his brother constantly egging him on).
  3. Scottie, well, I wrote a post about him last night. He is 14 years old and is very mouthy lately. I just can’t seem to do anything to make this child happy lately.
  4. I am OCD about a clean house and it just isn’t up to my standards which makes me feel tense.

Now that I have listed the things that are problems for me, I can begin to analyze them and formulate solutions. Sometimes, there really is no solution and if there is no answer then it is not a problem and I will work to let it go.

One of the first things I need to do is reduce my vulnerability to Emotion Mind. This means using the PLEASE skills.

P L(Treat PhysicaL Illness)

E (Balanced Eating)

A (Avoid mood altering drugs and alcohol)

S (balance Sleep)

E (Exercise)

Another Skill I am going to work on is One-in-the-Moment. This means being mindful of what I am doing and only doing one thing at a time. It will be especially helpful in getting my house back under control. I got a pretty good start on it today by cleaning out two closets that have been bothering my mind due to the fact that they were accumulating just stuff. I am a strong proponent of having nothing that is not a need. So, I went through and tossed those things that were not necessary to hold on to.

Using One in the Moment will also help with my communication with the children. It is really easy to let the squabbling and fighting escalate to an unmanageable level when I am trying to deal with the boys and do other things. I believe that if I handle it as soon as it starts and do it directly, not from another room, that I can eliminate some of the tension.

So, for the next week these are the two skills that I am going to focus on. I will be posting progress and results as the week moves forward.

METTA SUTTA: Loving Kindness

This is what should be done By one who is skilled in goodness,

skyAnd who knows the path of peace:

Let them be able and upright,

Straightforward and gentle in speech,

Humble and not conceited, Contented and easily satisfied,

Unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways.

Peaceful and calm and wise and skillful, Not proud or demanding in nature.

Let them not do the slightest thing

That the wise would later reprove.

Wishing: In gladness and in safety,

May all beings be at ease.

Whatever living beings there may be;

Whether they are weak or strong, omitting none,

The great or the mighty, medium, short or small,

The seen and the unseen,

Those living near and far away,

Those born and to-be-born —

May all beings be at ease!

Let none deceive another,

Or despise any being in any state.

Let none through anger or ill-will Wish harm upon another.

Even as a mother protects with her life

Her child, her only child,

So with a boundless heart

Should one cherish all living beings;

Radiating kindness over the entire world:

Spreading upwards to the skies,

And downwards to the depths;

Outwards and unbounded,

Freed from hatred and ill-will.

Whether standing or walking, seated or lying down

Free from drowsiness,

One should sustain this recollection.

This is said to be the sublime abiding.

By not holding to fixed views,

The pure-hearted one, having clarity of vision,

Being freed from all sense desires,

Is not born again into this world.

How Tough are You?

How Tough are You?

Can you walk through this world completely alone, observing those around you but never touching, never speaking, never being truly involved? Can you live without ever giving an opinion on anything? Is it really necessary to give an opinion on anything? Would it matter in the end if you spoke your mind or if you remained silent and kind? Too often opinions are just empty words meant as bricks to throw at another. How often does your opinion actually mirror that of another? The answer, if you were being honest with yourself, is rarely and possibly never. What is the point? People play devil’s advocate just to have something to do or something to talk about.

Can you be alone? Do you always look for a reason to be around others? Can you be happy in the company of only yourself? There is so much noise in our world that so many people don’t know how to be quiet and live in the quiet. Most of the people I know must have the television or radio on just to be able to go to sleep. Their lives are filled with noise and activity. There doesn’t seem to be any stillness left. People seem to be uncomfortable with silence and stillness. To me it seems they don’t appreciate what is around them and most times don’t even really know what is around them. Just to test this, close your eyes right now and picture the room you are sitting in. Try to see it exactly the way it is the minute you walked in. Did you see the cobweb in the corner? Did you see the sock on the floor or even the color of your child’s clothes? These are the details we miss when we don’t know silence. To know silence is to know solitude but not only that around you but within you.

A wolf walks alone and one can hear its howl in the wind late at night. It is a long, seemingly lonely, howl, but is it truly lonely? Or, is it a wail of primal pleasure as it celebrates its life? When the moon rises and it’s senses become alert, its eyes glisten with life. Its nose twitches as it picks up the scent of its next meal. It does not take for granted where its next meal is going to come from. It can feel the heartbeat of its prey. Its pulse races as it stalks then chases and brings down its meal. As its teeth sink into the throat of another creature, the warm blood spills into its mouth. Its teeth rip flesh from bone and it drinks of the life within the animal. The wolf knows that each meal may be its last for some time and thus experiences the meal fully. When is the last time you actually took the time to taste your food? Can you eat in silence and feel the food within your mouth. Can you smell and taste the various flavors? When is the last time you have experienced a meal and not just eaten it?

Make choices on purpose. Live on purpose. Be silent. Experience everything.

There is No Companionship with a Fool

There is No Companionship with a Fool.


It occurred to me recently that I have been keeping the company of a fool. I completely believe that forgiveness is essential to a peaceful mind. I further hold close to me a saying from Ajahn Brahm who in a story said that one should forgive always one more time. I further thought that to be loyal to this philosophy that I should let things go when someone wrongs me or hurts me in some way. However, sometimes, people take advantage of this forgiveness. They take it lightly and just assume they can do or say what ever they want because they know they can get away with it. Perhaps, when you keep the company of fools you become one yourself. Sometimes, you have to say enough is enough and while you can still forgive, it may be time to let go of the relationship, friendship, or companionship. The Dhammapada says, “If on one’s way one does not come across one’s better or an equal, then one should press on resolutely alone. There is no companionship with a fool.”

There comes a time when we must move forward and stop treading water. When we realize that we have been standing still when we should have been moving it can be a disconcerting feeling. So what do you do when you know that enough is enough. What do you do when you have been reliant on a fool.

  1. Reclaim yourself.
  2. Know that there are options beyond what you have been using.
  3. Find your stillness and it does not hurt to let go.

I am not saying that it may not cause difficulty to let go but if holding on is hurting you, what is more difficult?

I slipped

I was inspired today by reading a post by the Invisible Dragon. It was his apology. That made me realize why I have been procrastinating on blogging and offering words that may help others. It is because I have slipped away from my own peace. I have been letting my own pain and the resulting stress rule over my body and mind. Well, today, in this moment I am taking back that peace I once had. I am letting go of the pain in my body and just as importantly my mind. I apologize to those who found peace with the writings and I can only ask for your forgiveness as I start anew right now.

Insight: Too Much Stuff


Insight: Too Much Stuff

When you look around the room you are in right now, what do you see? Is there stuff everywhere? Do you have pictures on the walls? Are those pictures accurate? If you have pictures, are they to remind you that you had some magnificent experience sometime in the past? Pictures usually only show the good things that have happened. The reality is, that what we capture in photographs are usually lies. Most pictures taken of babies and small children are only because the photographer got the child to laugh after an hour and a half temper tantrum. Am I wrong? Do you really love the things you have hanging on your walls? Would you be devastated if those things were lost to you? The memory is in your mind, do you really need pictures?

Now, take a look at your shelves. Are they cluttered with nick-knacks, or just stuff that you stuck there because you were in a hurry or didn’t have another place for it? Are there books that you have read? Shoot, there are probably books that you intended to read a long time ago and never got to it. Maybe, this is a source of stress for you, so you don’t look at your shelves.

Ahhh, what about your closets! Do you find that they are packed to the gills with clothes and more stuff? Why do we hold on to all this stuff? They are just things. How many things do we really need anyway? If we don’t love the things we have then why do we hold on to them? If you were really honest with yourself, and yes, I know that is hard to do, but if you are honest with yourself could you let go of some of the stuff that is causing you stress. If you really think that you will read that book then sure go ahead and keep it a while longer. If not, bless somebody else with it. Give it to your local library or a needy family in the area. What you don’t love maybe someone else will.

If you want to find some peace in your home, you need to start letting go of things that do not bring you peace. If the nick-Knacks just cause you stress because you have to clean them, then they are not bringing you peace. Let them go. The same with all those clothes and shoes in your closet. If you haven’t warn it in a year or used it in a year then let it go. You fill find as you clear more and more space that you begin to feel as the space feels.

Now before you go jumping in, please remember you didn’t accumulate all that in a day so don’t try to get rid of it all in a day. Take your time. For each thing you pick up really experience the object and decide if it is worthy of the space it will take up. If it isn’t let it go. Do this a little at a time and you will find that your peace and happiness will grow.

I love my empty walls. I have two sets of clothes for work and about 5 sets for other days. One set of dress up clothes. Doing laundry is easy J and so is deciding what to wear. If I do decide to buy something new, shoes for instance, then I let the old shoes go.

When you can let go of things, you can let go of stress, hurtful memories, and live in the present moment with no worries of the future and no regrets from the past.

Thank you for reading

SILENCE

SILENCE

Silence propagates itself, and the longer talk has been suspended, the more difficult it is to find anything to say.
Samuel Johnson

So many people are plagued with chronic fatigue. Days are filled with activity and noise. I don’t just mean the noise of the cars passing on the street or trains and busses that take us from one place to another but also the noise of technology which in turn creates noise within our brains and our minds. It is little wonder that we experience this fatigue when we wake each morning and it lasts throughout the day. When the noise fills our every waking moment we can never truly relax. Our minds crave silence. It is within the silence that we can overcome the fatigue and find peace in ourselves and our lives.

How many times do you wake up and still feel tired and grumpy. Even the sound of your child’s voice or your loved one in the shower makes you want to hide in the solitude of your bed under the covers. How many times do you snap at your child or others when they ask you a question? Do you wake up in the morning and just listen to the sound of silence in your bedroom? It feels so comforting.. and it is. Have you ever taken a walk in a quiet park or down a road with no traffic? If so, did you find that you stopped thinking? It is an amazing experience when you can move inside silence. For me, it is a feeling very similar to love. It is like rocking a sleeping infant or being rocked as a small child when you are curled up on your mother’s lap with your head on her chest. It is comforting and consuming. It is love.

Do you want to feel better? Do you want to end the fatigue? If you do, find your silence. Everyday. Turn off the phone. Turn off the television, radio, and computers. Light a candle or burn some incense if you like that kind of thing. Don’t talk. Still your mind, by moving into the space between the words. The more you do this, the more you will want to do this. You can start by doing this for one hour per day. You can do it by going for a silent walk, meditating, or even just sitting. Anything to get away from the sounds outside and inside. Eventually you will find that one hour turns into two hours and those two hours turns into longer periods. Any time of day will work but I find that I enjoy it first thing in the morning. I get up before anyone else. I sit with a cup of coffee and a vanilla candle. I usually just sit on my couch and watch the sun rise out my window. On days when others have to be up early I do this and just sit look at my candle flame with no thoughts, no sounds, inside the space between words and thoughts. When I do this in the early morning, I can handle everything so much more easily. I can show my boys that I love them when they wake up instead of snapping at them for their small requests. I can go to work in the afternoon and not feel completely drug out.

When is the last time you experienced silence? I offer this challenge to all of you, for one hour today or tomorrow shut off and shut down your technology and the thoughts of present and past. Sit or walk. Just find your silence.

Thank you for reading.

WHAT YOU THINK – YOU BECOME

What You Think – You Become


One of the most compelling things that I have learned, I first learned in a book by James Allen. That is where the seed was planted in my mind. Over the past couple of years that seed took hold and has become quite the plant so to speak. One quote of the Buddha is this, “Mind precedes its objects. They are mind governed and mind made. To speak or act with a defiled mind is to draw pain after oneself, like a wheel behind the feet of an animal drawing it.” James Allen, used this quote in his book As a Man Thinketh. He went on to say, “As a plant springs from, and could not be without, the seed, so every act of man springs from the hidden seeds of thought and could not have appeared without them.”

So, what does this mean and how can we apply it to our lives to help ourselves let go of pain, depression, negativity and those things which stand in our way of happiness and freedom? Someone recently said to me, “Nature abhors a vacuum.” What she meant by this is that when you let go of something, your mind / nature wants to replace it with something else. This is why we sometimes develop monkey mind when we are trying to meditate or when we are trying to fall asleep. I believe that the stillness we can find within, by creating that silent place within our mind is not so much a vacuum but a thought of peace. We can feel it all the way to our very essence. From the seed of thought, so grows the plant of action. If you want to let go of pain, you first must think and believe that you can.

If you have a single moment in your day that you realize you don’t hurt. For a second or two there is no pain, no shame, and no hurts mentally and physically, even if it only lasts a split second that is your seed! You know without a doubt that you really can for a second, feel no pain. Close your eyes just for a moment and look at that seed. It is living. It wants to be planted so it can grow. Lovingly, plant that seed in your mind. Give it care and understanding as a mother would a new born child. Nourish that seed by knowing that it is there and underneath the “earth” you covered it in, it is taking root. It is just a small root, not visible immediately, but it is there. It is alive within you.

As that seed grows, you will begin to see more and more times when you say, “Hey, I am standing up and my back isn’t hurting.” Or maybe you notice more and more silence within your meditation.

If you are having trouble with meditation and you can’t find that stillness, there is a way to find that “seed” also. When we speak or think, in between the words there is a split second pause. It is like the empty spot when you hit your spacebar when typing. Try to imagine yourself stepping into that space in between the words. Hold it. It will take practice but the practice of doing that is nourishing that seed and the pause will become longer and longer until your meditation brings you to a silent awareness of bliss.

“Nature abhors a void.” So, maybe she is right. We are letting go of pain and replacing it with feelings of peace. We are letting go of the chatter in our minds and replacing it with silent awareness of the present moment where we exist between the words, where we are truly free.

What we think we become. Our actions are the produce of the grown seeds. When we contemplate negative emotions and indulge anger, lust, greed, hatred or any other quality that does not bring us to the end of suffering, we draw more suffering after ourselves. If however, we think of virtuous deeds and peace and love we will draw after us that which will show in everything we do or say. If you want to find peace, you must first plant the seed. Know that it is within your and nourish it always.

We don’t have to stress about… well… anything!

The rent is going to be a week late because I made an error. I thought I was getting a check today but it is next Friday that I get my money. So I figure I had two options. Number 1, I could stress out about it and then my whole day would be thrown off. I would have become upset. Number 2, I could handle the problem professionally. I chose option two. I called the landlord and explained my error. She was very kind, I have shown her kindness when ever I could and she showed me kindness today by forgiving my mistake. This is a great example of what being kind to others gets you in return. The idea of loving kindness is not to expect anything in return but it naturally happens. When you let go of pride and expectations and give kindness just for the sake of loving all beings you bring good karma upon yourself.

I let go of the fear and stress I felt when I was told my money wouldn’t arrive for another week and instead replaced it with feelings of well being. I sat down and experienced a very deep meditation. I don’t even know where the time went. When I left my meditation the time had just passed. I felt like I had only been meditating for a few minutes when in fact it was much longer. I had actually lost my five senses and was in a state of…. bliss… is the only word I can use to describe it. I was happy and free. My mind was not cluttered with stress. I felt physically and mentally good.

I felt so good I decided to show some loving kindness to a neighbor who has a problem with depression. I invited the neighbor over and made some homemade organic soup.. my own creation… 🙂 We ate together in silence which felt wonderful also because I was really able to fully experience my meal. Each bite it seemed had a flavor all its own. Mindful eating is so wonderfully delicious. After we were done eating, my neighbor thanked me and headed for home. I was still feeling really peaceful so I made a cup of coffee and sat down on my old, worn, couch in my little tiny trailer and sipped at the hot coffee while looking out the window. No thoughts were going through my mind, no wanting, no waiting, no stress. I simply was in the moment, and I was totally, completely happy. I just was.

I would like to offer this to my readers. When you are feeling stressed out, first of all try to figure out why. Then find a solution to the problem. If there is no solution then it is not a problem and you can just let it all go. If there is a solution, do what you can and be happy with it. What is done… is finished. You don’t have to move a mountain all in a day, you can use a teaspoon and move it one bit at a time. When you are doing what you can, then you are moving your mountain and you can let go of the stress. Find inner peace and be content with where you are right here and now.

It is possible. I have seen it, felt it, and bathed in the peace.

You Never Know

YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT IS TO COME

So many people worry about what is to come, even me! The reality is that we simply don’t know. We don’t know what tomorrow holds or for that matter even the next hour or minute, the next meditation anytime that is in the future. We put ourselves through so much anxiety that we become tired, fatigued or ill. We can prevent all of this by living in the here and now. In this moment! I heard a quote one time that said, “Whatever you think it will be, it will always be something different.”

An example of this would be the past two days of the Body-scan meditation. Day 3 of the meditation I thought that it would be a perfect meditation. I was awake and all my chores were done. I was well on my way to completing an assignment for class, so I decided to do the meditation. During the meditation, I discovered that my shoulders were tight and sore. Then, my skin was itchy. I was restless and wanted to stretch and move. That is when the insight began and that quote popped into my head. “Whatever you think it will be it will be something different.” I decided to mindfully continue the meditation to its end. I was a bit frustrated after, but not all meditation sessions are going to be these great awakenings so I let it go and continued with my day. Day 4’s meditation session began with me not even wanting to do it. I was afraid of a repeat of the previous day. I laid down not expecting much. In fact, I didn’t expect anything. The meditation was FANTASTIC. Then that light bulb moment from the previous day really light up my mind! I stopped expecting! I stopped wanting and waiting and it just happened. I felt an enormous energy run throughout my body and felt peaceful at the same time. I was genuinely happy. Imagine that?! When I stopped worrying about what the future held, I stopped expecting and things happened. I was so moved by the meditation that when I came out of it, I decided I really wanted to do some Yoga and that is exactly what I did. Throughout the rest of the day yesterday, I was mindful of everything I did. I went to bed last night and really slept. For the first time in over a year I slept for a whole night.

So the next time you find yourself worrying over what might happen or what might not happen, please try to remember that quote, “Whatever you think it will be, it will be something different.” We can really let go of worry and stress. We do not have to live in a perpetual state of “What if”. We can let go and let be. You will really begin to see things happen when you stop expecting them.

Sometimes when I am working on my homework, I find it really hard to concentrate. All I want to do is get it done. That too is me working in the future instead of working now. Those of you who have been through college can probably identify. It is really frustrating and tiresome. When I let go of wanting to get an assignment done, the assignment takes care of itself. The words don’t come so hard. My mind and fingers simply take over and the papers write themselves. I have found the harder I work at an assignment the lower my grades. When I just let it happen I get A’s. This is really a profound insight for me.

So that is my update for Body-Scan meditation for the past two days. (I have been too busy to post) and a little bit about letting go of the future and living for this minute. Care about this moment. Make this moment the most important moment in your life because you never know if there will be another or what another may hold.

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