September 27, 2010 at 1:47 am (Borderline Personality Disorder, Mindful)
Tags: action, anger, benefit, Buddhism, calm, change, Education, kindness, Mindful, mindfulness, present moment awareness, skills, wisemind
Practicing Kind Speech
When people have relationships with others it is inevitable to come into contact with disagreements or differences of opinion. These relationships can be anyone from those you work with to your friends, family and children. So, what can we do when we encounter conflict?
I have a 10 year old who has Autism (very mild) but has severe anger issues when things do not go his way. He gets very hostile and aggressive with intense bouts of rage. At times it is very difficult for me to control my own emotions during these times. I have found though that If I am able to remain in control it is easier for him to regain his own control. To do this, I have to watch my own speech and not focus on his. I practice listening to what he is saying and responding in a way that is both validating and kind, but at the same time, I am the parent. I do have to set some limits to prevent him from harming either himself or other. This is the tricky part because I am human. I have emotions and it is not always easy to keep them in check when a 160 pound, 5′ 3″ ten year old is screaming and raging right in my face. However, I am very conscious of the fact that if I rage with him, it will solve no problems and usually make the situation worse and leaves us both feeling exceedingly bad. What I have learned raising this child is that I do not have to let my emotions control me. Rather, I do not even have to see the rage as directed at me. Instead, I can see it for what it is. A child who has lost control and is very insecure and unable to handle the intense feelings that is inside his mind.
What I have described is a bit on the extreme side compared to what we all handle on a day to day basis. However, it is valuable because it has shown me that I can deal with other people being angry without becoming angry myself. Have you ever heard the phrase, “Kill them with kindness” or “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar”? These sayings are so on point. When you “fight fire with fire” all you do is cause more destruction and more fire. Also, if someone is treating you badly and speaking unkindly to you, it is important to try to not take it personally because everybody has bad days. People get tired, stressed, grouchy, hungry and sad. Most of the time if someone is yelling at you it is not because you deserve it, but rather they are unsure of how to deal with their own emotions, thus they are taking them out on you. There are several ways to handle a situation where one person is being difficult toward you. You can say, “I’m sorry”. So many times a simple apology will go a long way, whether you actually did something wrong or not. Remaining calm, you will do a lot to help the other person regain control. Speak quietly. When you speak quietly, it forces the other person to lower their voice in order to hear you. When you can do nothing more, do nothing. Do not egg them on or let your own emotions get in the way of your own wise mind. Nobody can make you feel anything.
Stephen R. Covey once said, “Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.”
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September 22, 2010 at 12:40 am (Borderline Personality Disorder, Buddhism, DBT, Mindful, Recovery)
Tags: action, anger, benefit, blog, Buddhism, calm, change, Education, letting go, meditation, Mindful, present moment awareness, stress relief, thinking, wisemind
Hardship Brings New Incentive to Practice Life Skills
I am having a hard time right now with coping with things lately. Normally, meditation works to solve stress that I find myself in. Unfortunately, Monkey Mind has taken over and I have decided that it is time to put my DBT (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy) Skills to work. I learned these skills some time ago and found a great deal of success in overcoming much of the anxious tension that fills me up.
The first thing to do is to determine what is really causing the problems. I believe there are several issues going on at the same time.
- I am not getting enough sleep. I do actually go into my bed but falling asleep is just not happening lately.
- Cherokee is having major anger issues (partly due to Aspergers syndrome, and partly due to his brother constantly egging him on).
- Scottie, well, I wrote a post about him last night. He is 14 years old and is very mouthy lately. I just can’t seem to do anything to make this child happy lately.
- I am OCD about a clean house and it just isn’t up to my standards which makes me feel tense.
Now that I have listed the things that are problems for me, I can begin to analyze them and formulate solutions. Sometimes, there really is no solution and if there is no answer then it is not a problem and I will work to let it go.
One of the first things I need to do is reduce my vulnerability to Emotion Mind. This means using the PLEASE skills.
P L(Treat PhysicaL Illness)
E (Balanced Eating)
A (Avoid mood altering drugs and alcohol)
S (balance Sleep)
E (Exercise)
Another Skill I am going to work on is One-in-the-Moment. This means being mindful of what I am doing and only doing one thing at a time. It will be especially helpful in getting my house back under control. I got a pretty good start on it today by cleaning out two closets that have been bothering my mind due to the fact that they were accumulating just stuff. I am a strong proponent of having nothing that is not a need. So, I went through and tossed those things that were not necessary to hold on to.
Using One in the Moment will also help with my communication with the children. It is really easy to let the squabbling and fighting escalate to an unmanageable level when I am trying to deal with the boys and do other things. I believe that if I handle it as soon as it starts and do it directly, not from another room, that I can eliminate some of the tension.
So, for the next week these are the two skills that I am going to focus on. I will be posting progress and results as the week moves forward.
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February 2, 2010 at 6:42 pm (Recovery)
Tags: action, anger, benefit, blog, blogging, dream, dreaming, Education, forgiveness, goals, help, kindness, Mindful, observe, pain, silence, the dream, thinking
The Dream
I am standing in front of a large crowd. I am speaking to a thousand women. Some of the women are battered and bruised. Some are drug addicts and alcoholics. I see some women screaming in pain and anger but I hear no sound other than the sound of my own voice. It appears as though the women in the audience before me are standing in some sort of blazing lava. It is what I imagine Hell must look like if there is one. Their faces are contorted with torment. It is darkness all around them. The only light I see is on me. It is like I am bathed in a spotlight. I am not afraid. I just know that I have to help them. I have to save them from the hell they writhe in. That is the over powering emotion of the dream. It feels like I am being pulled to help. They beg me with their eyes. I do not know the faces of the women but they seem familiar to me for some reason. I am certain that I can help them. I can show them a way out of the misery. They are stuck, trapped. I can help them break the chains that bind them in place. Maybe those chains are made of fear and hatred and ill-will. The chains could be their inability to find their own direction.
This has been a recurring dream for the past couple of years but seems to be more present lately and much more vivid. I remember the dream during the waking hours. When the grey light of the winter sun filters through the windows and I am sitting in silence, the image appears in my mind without my beckoning. Sometimes in my meditation I can see their faces. There is always the silence though. I live inside the silence as much as I can. This is how I gain insight. I meditate often. I see things clearly and can experience things more fully. That is a great benefit of meditation. But I wonder about the dream and the images from time to time. Is this dream trying to tell me something? Is it a premonition of what is to come? Or, is it a journey that I am supposed to begin? I have been on death’s door twice with machines pumping my heart and ventilator breathing for me. It was the second time when the dreams started. The urge to do something is so strong that at times I feel like I need to remember something I have forgotten. I feel like I must move in the direction of seeing that dream in real life. I do not claim to be enlightened or even close to it, but something is definitely going on because I know it the way I know my own face in the mirror.
It occurs to me that I wonder if I am worthy of helping those that are calling out to me. Can I really help? Will I know the right thing to say at the right time? I sometimes feel like I am in a car with the motor running and my foot on the break pedal. What will happen if I begin to move?
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January 28, 2010 at 5:21 am (letting go)
Tags: action, benefit, blog, blogging, calm, change, Education, empty, forgiveness, goals, help, letting go, letting go of pain, peaceful, present moment awareness, Recovery, self-help
Insight: Too Much Stuff
When you look around the room you are in right now, what do you see? Is there stuff everywhere? Do you have pictures on the walls? Are those pictures accurate? If you have pictures, are they to remind you that you had some magnificent experience sometime in the past? Pictures usually only show the good things that have happened. The reality is, that what we capture in photographs are usually lies. Most pictures taken of babies and small children are only because the photographer got the child to laugh after an hour and a half temper tantrum. Am I wrong? Do you really love the things you have hanging on your walls? Would you be devastated if those things were lost to you? The memory is in your mind, do you really need pictures?
Now, take a look at your shelves. Are they cluttered with nick-knacks, or just stuff that you stuck there because you were in a hurry or didn’t have another place for it? Are there books that you have read? Shoot, there are probably books that you intended to read a long time ago and never got to it. Maybe, this is a source of stress for you, so you don’t look at your shelves.
Ahhh, what about your closets! Do you find that they are packed to the gills with clothes and more stuff? Why do we hold on to all this stuff? They are just things. How many things do we really need anyway? If we don’t love the things we have then why do we hold on to them? If you were really honest with yourself, and yes, I know that is hard to do, but if you are honest with yourself could you let go of some of the stuff that is causing you stress. If you really think that you will read that book then sure go ahead and keep it a while longer. If not, bless somebody else with it. Give it to your local library or a needy family in the area. What you don’t love maybe someone else will.
If you want to find some peace in your home, you need to start letting go of things that do not bring you peace. If the nick-Knacks just cause you stress because you have to clean them, then they are not bringing you peace. Let them go. The same with all those clothes and shoes in your closet. If you haven’t warn it in a year or used it in a year then let it go. You fill find as you clear more and more space that you begin to feel as the space feels.
Now before you go jumping in, please remember you didn’t accumulate all that in a day so don’t try to get rid of it all in a day. Take your time. For each thing you pick up really experience the object and decide if it is worthy of the space it will take up. If it isn’t let it go. Do this a little at a time and you will find that your peace and happiness will grow.
I love my empty walls. I have two sets of clothes for work and about 5 sets for other days. One set of dress up clothes. Doing laundry is easy J and so is deciding what to wear. If I do decide to buy something new, shoes for instance, then I let the old shoes go.
When you can let go of things, you can let go of stress, hurtful memories, and live in the present moment with no worries of the future and no regrets from the past.
Thank you for reading
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January 16, 2010 at 5:23 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: benefit, blogging, Buddhism, calm, change, depression, Education, happy, help, kindness, letting go, meditation, mind, Mindful, mindfulness, observe, peaceful, present moment awareness, stress relief
The rent is going to be a week late because I made an error. I thought I was getting a check today but it is next Friday that I get my money. So I figure I had two options. Number 1, I could stress out about it and then my whole day would be thrown off. I would have become upset. Number 2, I could handle the problem professionally. I chose option two. I called the landlord and explained my error. She was very kind, I have shown her kindness when ever I could and she showed me kindness today by forgiving my mistake. This is a great example of what being kind to others gets you in return. The idea of loving kindness is not to expect anything in return but it naturally happens. When you let go of pride and expectations and give kindness just for the sake of loving all beings you bring good karma upon yourself.
I let go of the fear and stress I felt when I was told my money wouldn’t arrive for another week and instead replaced it with feelings of well being. I sat down and experienced a very deep meditation. I don’t even know where the time went. When I left my meditation the time had just passed. I felt like I had only been meditating for a few minutes when in fact it was much longer. I had actually lost my five senses and was in a state of…. bliss… is the only word I can use to describe it. I was happy and free. My mind was not cluttered with stress. I felt physically and mentally good.
I felt so good I decided to show some loving kindness to a neighbor who has a problem with depression. I invited the neighbor over and made some homemade organic soup.. my own creation… 🙂 We ate together in silence which felt wonderful also because I was really able to fully experience my meal. Each bite it seemed had a flavor all its own. Mindful eating is so wonderfully delicious. After we were done eating, my neighbor thanked me and headed for home. I was still feeling really peaceful so I made a cup of coffee and sat down on my old, worn, couch in my little tiny trailer and sipped at the hot coffee while looking out the window. No thoughts were going through my mind, no wanting, no waiting, no stress. I simply was in the moment, and I was totally, completely happy. I just was.
I would like to offer this to my readers. When you are feeling stressed out, first of all try to figure out why. Then find a solution to the problem. If there is no solution then it is not a problem and you can just let it all go. If there is a solution, do what you can and be happy with it. What is done… is finished. You don’t have to move a mountain all in a day, you can use a teaspoon and move it one bit at a time. When you are doing what you can, then you are moving your mountain and you can let go of the stress. Find inner peace and be content with where you are right here and now.
It is possible. I have seen it, felt it, and bathed in the peace.
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January 11, 2010 at 12:12 pm (meditation)
Tags: benefit, blog, Buddhism, calm, Education, happy, help, homework, kindness, letting go, meditation, meditation benefit, mind, Mindful, mindfulness, observe, peaceful, present moment awareness, skills, wisemind
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT IS TO COME
So many people worry about what is to come, even me! The reality is that we simply don’t know. We don’t know what tomorrow holds or for that matter even the next hour or minute, the next meditation anytime that is in the future. We put ourselves through so much anxiety that we become tired, fatigued or ill. We can prevent all of this by living in the here and now. In this moment! I heard a quote one time that said, “Whatever you think it will be, it will always be something different.”
An example of this would be the past two days of the Body-scan meditation. Day 3 of the meditation I thought that it would be a perfect meditation. I was awake and all my chores were done. I was well on my way to completing an assignment for class, so I decided to do the meditation. During the meditation, I discovered that my shoulders were tight and sore. Then, my skin was itchy. I was restless and wanted to stretch and move. That is when the insight began and that quote popped into my head. “Whatever you think it will be it will be something different.” I decided to mindfully continue the meditation to its end. I was a bit frustrated after, but not all meditation sessions are going to be these great awakenings so I let it go and continued with my day. Day 4’s meditation session began with me not even wanting to do it. I was afraid of a repeat of the previous day. I laid down not expecting much. In fact, I didn’t expect anything. The meditation was FANTASTIC. Then that light bulb moment from the previous day really light up my mind! I stopped expecting! I stopped wanting and waiting and it just happened. I felt an enormous energy run throughout my body and felt peaceful at the same time. I was genuinely happy. Imagine that?! When I stopped worrying about what the future held, I stopped expecting and things happened. I was so moved by the meditation that when I came out of it, I decided I really wanted to do some Yoga and that is exactly what I did. Throughout the rest of the day yesterday, I was mindful of everything I did. I went to bed last night and really slept. For the first time in over a year I slept for a whole night.
So the next time you find yourself worrying over what might happen or what might not happen, please try to remember that quote, “Whatever you think it will be, it will be something different.” We can really let go of worry and stress. We do not have to live in a perpetual state of “What if”. We can let go and let be. You will really begin to see things happen when you stop expecting them.
Sometimes when I am working on my homework, I find it really hard to concentrate. All I want to do is get it done. That too is me working in the future instead of working now. Those of you who have been through college can probably identify. It is really frustrating and tiresome. When I let go of wanting to get an assignment done, the assignment takes care of itself. The words don’t come so hard. My mind and fingers simply take over and the papers write themselves. I have found the harder I work at an assignment the lower my grades. When I just let it happen I get A’s. This is really a profound insight for me.
So that is my update for Body-Scan meditation for the past two days. (I have been too busy to post) and a little bit about letting go of the future and living for this minute. Care about this moment. Make this moment the most important moment in your life because you never know if there will be another or what another may hold.
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January 8, 2010 at 8:42 pm (meditation)
Tags: action, benefit, blog, blogging, Buddhism, calm, change, Education, good, happy, help, kindness, letting go, meditation, meditation benefit, Mindful, mindfulness, observe, peaceful, present moment awareness, Recovery
Body – Scan Meditation DAY 2 and
MAKING THE MOST OF WAITING
I have two things to cover today. J The first is my update on my 24 days of Body-Scan meditation. This is day 2 and I had a great experience this morning. I was able to completely focus and my mind did not jump around. If an occasional thought entered it just kind of floated away. At the end of the meditation, I was aware that a thought or two drifted in and out but I was unable to recall what the thought was. During the meditation, I became aware that my sciatic joints were out of alignment again. I experienced a great deal of intense sensation when I focused on this area. In my mind’s eye I was able to see the nerves and the bones. After I moved away from the area, I was able to let go of the painful sensation and completely focus on the next area. The intensity of the meditation was astounding to me. It was so clear. Today was a success for body-scan meditation. My mind felt open and honest (I don’t know where the word honest comes from but when I think of this morning’s meditation that is the word that jumps out at me).
MAKING THE MOST OF WAITING
Sometimes, waiting is a part of life. Some of us have to wait for the bus so we can go to work, others have to wait for their pay check to arrive in the mail, and still others wait for dinner to be made or delivered. Whatever it is, we have all had the experience of waiting. You and I know that waiting though, is not living in the present moment. It is living in the future, but the future has yet to happen, and it may not happen. So, instead of “waiting” what can we do? We can live in the here and now and do something with the time.
This is the reason for this part of the post J. Today, I have been “waiting” for my college textbooks to arrive. I kept anticipating and watching until I was making myself frustrated that they haven’t arrived yet. Then I had an insight, I could be making the most of this time and doing something that makes me feel good! I decided that since I knew my sciatic joints and nerves were not feeling good I should do something about it. I chose Yoga because it has helped in the past! True to my idea by the end of my 40 minute Yoga session my back felt great and so did my mind! Imagine that! I had been stressing myself over something that hasn’t happened when all this time I could be feeling much better. When we choose to live in the moment instead of the past or the future we can accomplish so much! So, the next time you find yourself waiting, do something that makes you feel good. When your waiting in line, take in your surroundings. Really see what is around you. Look at a weed growing in the sidewalk, notice its veins and petals. Does it sway? Really observe and feel the present moment. It can work wonders.
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November 24, 2009 at 3:32 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: assignment, Buddhism, Education
This is a paper I had to write for my Cultural Diversity Class. It is my evaluation of the topic at hand. I enjoyed writing it so I thought that I would use it as a post since it has been a few days since I have posted.
Seminar 3: Topic of Week
Shelly Baxter
The MK Gandhi Institute for Nonviolence was founded in 1991 by the grandson of Mahatma Gandhi (see
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November 15, 2009 at 2:31 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: Benefits, Education, homework, Insight, meditation
I am very pleased. As you know, I have been meditating before completing assignments. I feel that the answers come to me much easier when I do. Sometimes I hear Ajahn Brahm talking about how meditation gives you insight. Well, that is the reason for this post. This is what my instructor wrote to me in my private feedback mailbox today, “Your work was extremely insightful, well written and shows a clear understanding of both material and concepts.” Isn’t that great! It works!
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