September 27, 2010 at 1:47 am (Borderline Personality Disorder, Mindful)
Tags: action, anger, benefit, Buddhism, calm, change, Education, kindness, Mindful, mindfulness, present moment awareness, skills, wisemind
Practicing Kind Speech
When people have relationships with others it is inevitable to come into contact with disagreements or differences of opinion. These relationships can be anyone from those you work with to your friends, family and children. So, what can we do when we encounter conflict?
I have a 10 year old who has Autism (very mild) but has severe anger issues when things do not go his way. He gets very hostile and aggressive with intense bouts of rage. At times it is very difficult for me to control my own emotions during these times. I have found though that If I am able to remain in control it is easier for him to regain his own control. To do this, I have to watch my own speech and not focus on his. I practice listening to what he is saying and responding in a way that is both validating and kind, but at the same time, I am the parent. I do have to set some limits to prevent him from harming either himself or other. This is the tricky part because I am human. I have emotions and it is not always easy to keep them in check when a 160 pound, 5′ 3″ ten year old is screaming and raging right in my face. However, I am very conscious of the fact that if I rage with him, it will solve no problems and usually make the situation worse and leaves us both feeling exceedingly bad. What I have learned raising this child is that I do not have to let my emotions control me. Rather, I do not even have to see the rage as directed at me. Instead, I can see it for what it is. A child who has lost control and is very insecure and unable to handle the intense feelings that is inside his mind.
What I have described is a bit on the extreme side compared to what we all handle on a day to day basis. However, it is valuable because it has shown me that I can deal with other people being angry without becoming angry myself. Have you ever heard the phrase, “Kill them with kindness” or “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar”? These sayings are so on point. When you “fight fire with fire” all you do is cause more destruction and more fire. Also, if someone is treating you badly and speaking unkindly to you, it is important to try to not take it personally because everybody has bad days. People get tired, stressed, grouchy, hungry and sad. Most of the time if someone is yelling at you it is not because you deserve it, but rather they are unsure of how to deal with their own emotions, thus they are taking them out on you. There are several ways to handle a situation where one person is being difficult toward you. You can say, “I’m sorry”. So many times a simple apology will go a long way, whether you actually did something wrong or not. Remaining calm, you will do a lot to help the other person regain control. Speak quietly. When you speak quietly, it forces the other person to lower their voice in order to hear you. When you can do nothing more, do nothing. Do not egg them on or let your own emotions get in the way of your own wise mind. Nobody can make you feel anything.
Stephen R. Covey once said, “Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.”
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September 22, 2010 at 12:40 am (Borderline Personality Disorder, Buddhism, DBT, Mindful, Recovery)
Tags: action, anger, benefit, blog, Buddhism, calm, change, Education, letting go, meditation, Mindful, present moment awareness, stress relief, thinking, wisemind
Hardship Brings New Incentive to Practice Life Skills
I am having a hard time right now with coping with things lately. Normally, meditation works to solve stress that I find myself in. Unfortunately, Monkey Mind has taken over and I have decided that it is time to put my DBT (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy) Skills to work. I learned these skills some time ago and found a great deal of success in overcoming much of the anxious tension that fills me up.
The first thing to do is to determine what is really causing the problems. I believe there are several issues going on at the same time.
- I am not getting enough sleep. I do actually go into my bed but falling asleep is just not happening lately.
- Cherokee is having major anger issues (partly due to Aspergers syndrome, and partly due to his brother constantly egging him on).
- Scottie, well, I wrote a post about him last night. He is 14 years old and is very mouthy lately. I just can’t seem to do anything to make this child happy lately.
- I am OCD about a clean house and it just isn’t up to my standards which makes me feel tense.
Now that I have listed the things that are problems for me, I can begin to analyze them and formulate solutions. Sometimes, there really is no solution and if there is no answer then it is not a problem and I will work to let it go.
One of the first things I need to do is reduce my vulnerability to Emotion Mind. This means using the PLEASE skills.
P L(Treat PhysicaL Illness)
E (Balanced Eating)
A (Avoid mood altering drugs and alcohol)
S (balance Sleep)
E (Exercise)
Another Skill I am going to work on is One-in-the-Moment. This means being mindful of what I am doing and only doing one thing at a time. It will be especially helpful in getting my house back under control. I got a pretty good start on it today by cleaning out two closets that have been bothering my mind due to the fact that they were accumulating just stuff. I am a strong proponent of having nothing that is not a need. So, I went through and tossed those things that were not necessary to hold on to.
Using One in the Moment will also help with my communication with the children. It is really easy to let the squabbling and fighting escalate to an unmanageable level when I am trying to deal with the boys and do other things. I believe that if I handle it as soon as it starts and do it directly, not from another room, that I can eliminate some of the tension.
So, for the next week these are the two skills that I am going to focus on. I will be posting progress and results as the week moves forward.
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February 2, 2010 at 6:42 pm (Recovery)
Tags: action, anger, benefit, blog, blogging, dream, dreaming, Education, forgiveness, goals, help, kindness, Mindful, observe, pain, silence, the dream, thinking
The Dream
I am standing in front of a large crowd. I am speaking to a thousand women. Some of the women are battered and bruised. Some are drug addicts and alcoholics. I see some women screaming in pain and anger but I hear no sound other than the sound of my own voice. It appears as though the women in the audience before me are standing in some sort of blazing lava. It is what I imagine Hell must look like if there is one. Their faces are contorted with torment. It is darkness all around them. The only light I see is on me. It is like I am bathed in a spotlight. I am not afraid. I just know that I have to help them. I have to save them from the hell they writhe in. That is the over powering emotion of the dream. It feels like I am being pulled to help. They beg me with their eyes. I do not know the faces of the women but they seem familiar to me for some reason. I am certain that I can help them. I can show them a way out of the misery. They are stuck, trapped. I can help them break the chains that bind them in place. Maybe those chains are made of fear and hatred and ill-will. The chains could be their inability to find their own direction.
This has been a recurring dream for the past couple of years but seems to be more present lately and much more vivid. I remember the dream during the waking hours. When the grey light of the winter sun filters through the windows and I am sitting in silence, the image appears in my mind without my beckoning. Sometimes in my meditation I can see their faces. There is always the silence though. I live inside the silence as much as I can. This is how I gain insight. I meditate often. I see things clearly and can experience things more fully. That is a great benefit of meditation. But I wonder about the dream and the images from time to time. Is this dream trying to tell me something? Is it a premonition of what is to come? Or, is it a journey that I am supposed to begin? I have been on death’s door twice with machines pumping my heart and ventilator breathing for me. It was the second time when the dreams started. The urge to do something is so strong that at times I feel like I need to remember something I have forgotten. I feel like I must move in the direction of seeing that dream in real life. I do not claim to be enlightened or even close to it, but something is definitely going on because I know it the way I know my own face in the mirror.
It occurs to me that I wonder if I am worthy of helping those that are calling out to me. Can I really help? Will I know the right thing to say at the right time? I sometimes feel like I am in a car with the motor running and my foot on the break pedal. What will happen if I begin to move?
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January 18, 2010 at 5:29 pm (meditation)
Tags: action, anger, As a Man Thinketh, benefit, blog, Buddhism, calm, change, depression, forgiveness, goals, happy, James Allen, kindness, letting go, letting go of pain, meditation, peaceful, present moment awareness, Recovery
What You Think – You Become
One of the most compelling things that I have learned, I first learned in a book by James Allen. That is where the seed was planted in my mind. Over the past couple of years that seed took hold and has become quite the plant so to speak. One quote of the Buddha is this, “Mind precedes its objects. They are mind governed and mind made. To speak or act with a defiled mind is to draw pain after oneself, like a wheel behind the feet of an animal drawing it.” James Allen, used this quote in his book As a Man Thinketh. He went on to say, “As a plant springs from, and could not be without, the seed, so every act of man springs from the hidden seeds of thought and could not have appeared without them.”
So, what does this mean and how can we apply it to our lives to help ourselves let go of pain, depression, negativity and those things which stand in our way of happiness and freedom? Someone recently said to me, “Nature abhors a vacuum.” What she meant by this is that when you let go of something, your mind / nature wants to replace it with something else. This is why we sometimes develop monkey mind when we are trying to meditate or when we are trying to fall asleep. I believe that the stillness we can find within, by creating that silent place within our mind is not so much a vacuum but a thought of peace. We can feel it all the way to our very essence. From the seed of thought, so grows the plant of action. If you want to let go of pain, you first must think and believe that you can.
If you have a single moment in your day that you realize you don’t hurt. For a second or two there is no pain, no shame, and no hurts mentally and physically, even if it only lasts a split second that is your seed! You know without a doubt that you really can for a second, feel no pain. Close your eyes just for a moment and look at that seed. It is living. It wants to be planted so it can grow. Lovingly, plant that seed in your mind. Give it care and understanding as a mother would a new born child. Nourish that seed by knowing that it is there and underneath the “earth” you covered it in, it is taking root. It is just a small root, not visible immediately, but it is there. It is alive within you.
As that seed grows, you will begin to see more and more times when you say, “Hey, I am standing up and my back isn’t hurting.” Or maybe you notice more and more silence within your meditation.
If you are having trouble with meditation and you can’t find that stillness, there is a way to find that “seed” also. When we speak or think, in between the words there is a split second pause. It is like the empty spot when you hit your spacebar when typing. Try to imagine yourself stepping into that space in between the words. Hold it. It will take practice but the practice of doing that is nourishing that seed and the pause will become longer and longer until your meditation brings you to a silent awareness of bliss.
“Nature abhors a void.” So, maybe she is right. We are letting go of pain and replacing it with feelings of peace. We are letting go of the chatter in our minds and replacing it with silent awareness of the present moment where we exist between the words, where we are truly free.
What we think we become. Our actions are the produce of the grown seeds. When we contemplate negative emotions and indulge anger, lust, greed, hatred or any other quality that does not bring us to the end of suffering, we draw more suffering after ourselves. If however, we think of virtuous deeds and peace and love we will draw after us that which will show in everything we do or say. If you want to find peace, you must first plant the seed. Know that it is within your and nourish it always.
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November 5, 2009 at 5:36 am (meditation, Mindful)
Tags: anger, changing, depression, happy, letting go, meditation, Mindful, observe, peaceful, sad, skills, touch, wise
I have written a few postings about ways to turn your mind when you are experiencing negative emotional states. There are so many more skills that can help. I have just barely hit the surface. I am going to move the discussion forward a bit tonight. I wanted to post for the past couple of days but I have been very very busy finishing one class and beginning the studies for my next two.
Turning your mind using tactile sensations (TOUCH)
As you know, you can feel things with more than just your hands. You have an almost constant barrage of sensation touching your skin. Are you even aware that your skin is being touched? The answer is probably “sometimes”. When we focus our minds on a part of our body we are certainly aware of it being touched. Maybe when we think of our feet we suddenly feel our socks and shoes. Or if we think about our bellies, maybe we can feel our shirts or robes. The reason that we don’t always feel these things is because we are not in the moment with our bodies most of the time. That’s the way it should be and that’s what makes this next skill so useful when we are trying to turn away from negativity that may be causing us stress, hurt, disappointment, anger, frustration, loneliness, sadness, depression and any other negativity we may be feeling.
With this skill, we are going to bring awareness to our body. First, take a few deep breaths and let the air leave your body completely. Focus on what it feels like to let all the air completely out. Feel the pause at the end of the exhale, just before the next inhalation. Do this about 3 times. I ask you to do this so that you know you are going into a mindset to try something that you do not normally do. It is kind of like meditation, but we are focusing more on intense mindfulness (as I call it). Now, I want you to be completely aware of your body. What position are you in? Are you standing, seated, laying down, hunching, sagging? Are you walking? What is the purpose of the position you are in? Is it more comfortable? Why? Good. Now, start at the top of your head and just feel. Feel with each inch of skin from the tip top hair to the ends of your toenails. This is something you have to do slowly. Completely. Mindfully.
After completing that brief exercise you are very in tune with your body. Now is the time to touch with your skin and mind. I want you to find something that makes you feel good when you touch it. It might be a warm bath, it might be a cool shower. You may enjoy the touch of satin pajamas. Anything! You like to touch, please now is the time to do so. For me it is a warm bath with Epsom salts ( I like lavandar scent) in the water. The water feels so nice on my skin. I feel like I am wrapped up warm and cozy. It makes my eyelids heavy. I feel the water touch all of my skin from my toes to my shoulders as I lay back. I am completely mindful of the experience. I do not rush. It is so important that when you practice these exercises that you do not rush the experience. Focus the whole of your attention on the physical sensations. You can even sit in meditation pose if you want and enter into the silence we talked about before. When you stop thinking and experience the present moment you can truly FEEL this moment. It is sooooo calming to just feel. You don’t think about the past (don’t think about what upset you today or yesterday). You don’t think about the future (don’t worry about what will happen or what you need to do). You just exist in this present moment in silence, just experiencing the NOW. Just feel. Let the worry and the anger go. Let it float away from your body. There is no place for those thoughts within you right now. Your whole being is just sensory. Nothing more. Feel. Enjoy. Relax. Calm. Feel the happiness come into you. Turn your mind away from the negativity and into this happiness and peace.
Thank you for taking the time to read today. Without you all, I wouldn’t enjoy this so much. You make it so worth my time and effort. I always wanted to help others. If this blog helps you, Please, leave a quick comment. Even just one or two words so I know you were here. Thank you and peace to you all.
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November 2, 2009 at 1:22 pm (Buddhism, Dhamma, meditation, Recovery)
Tags: AFL Code, anger, change, fighting, forgiveness, help, kindness, letting go, letting go of anger, mindfulness, self-help, wise
I have to go to a meeting soon but I just wanted to share something before I leave. My youngest son made me think of this story this morning. I originally heard the story when I was listening to a talk given by Buddhist Monk, Ajahn Brahm. This is the story of the Anger Eating Dragon.
THE ANGER EATING DRAGON
Once upon a time there was a king who lived in a far away castle. One day the king decided to take a holiday and left his palace to tour another country. In his absence an evil dragon showed up. This dragon was already big and smelly and his language was awful! The dragon went into the throne room and took over the Kings throne. When the guards saw the dragon they immediately got mad and tried to oust the dragon. But.. with each unkind word and unkind deed even with each unkind thought the dragon grew bigger and bigger. It got smellier and its language got farrrr worse! This went on for several days until the dragon was so huge it took up the entire throne room. This dragon fed on the anger of the guards and it grew and grew until it was out of control. Well, when the king came back the guards were all in a huff and started shouting at the king about what the dragon had done. Well, this was a wise king and he knew just what to do to handle this problem. He went into his palace and called out in a loud voice to the very large dragon, “Hello Mr. Dragon! How nice it is to see you!” “Would you like a cup of tea or perhaps some curry?”
With each kind word and deed the dragon got a little smaller, a little less stinky and his language even improved. When the guards saw what was happening they realized what they had done wrong. They knew that to make the anger dragon bigger they had to feed it anger but to make it smaller they had to feed it kindness. So all the guards and their families and friends gathered and started caring for the monster. They did all kinds of nice things like give him a foot massage and give him treats and teas. And you may know what happened. The dragon got smaller and smaller and smaller until he had gotten so much kindness that he got so small he just poofed and was gone.
The moral of the story is that when you allow anger to take over it will feed on itself and grow and grow. Eventually it will fill up your home, your mind, your heart and people do get hurt.
Now my confession. I thought of this story because I made my son cry this morning. We got into an argument about Halloween candy, when he got angry and started stomping his feet I got angry. I yelled right back at him. I am very sorry I did that. When I realized what was going on and that the anger eating dragon was filling up my home I stopped it all. I apologized, he apologized and we both forgive each other. Then we let it go. Once you apologize and truly mean it you can forgive yourself and others and then you can really let it go. There is no need to carry it with you and add a burden to your day when it is already forgiven. I have let it go. I just wanted to write this out because some of you may not have heard that story. I am sure I did not tell it just like Ajahn Brahm did but I think my intent is clear and I just wanted you all to know that we are human, we make mistakes but we can acknowledge those mistakes, forgive them, and let them go. We don’t need to carry the weight of mistakes around with us. It’s over and I still love him, he still loves me (that was with my 9 year old).
OK it is time to go. Please check back later this afternoon because I am going to post my next step in dealing with anger and depression. It is going to be to self soothe with touch. We have talked about vision and hearing. The next sense is touch. I look forward to writing that and being in contact with you all. Thank you for your time I am really enjoying all of your blogs and writings and pictures. Peace to you all J
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November 1, 2009 at 6:19 pm (Buddhism, meditation, Recovery)
Tags: anger, blog, depression, mindfulness, music, peaceful, Recovery, self-help, sensory overload, silence, sounds of nature, thinking, wise, wisemind
Yesterday, I began a discussion on how to find your way out of depression and anger and basically any mind state that you don’t want to be in. I mentioned that using mindfulness while observing something that makes you feel good is one way to change your mind about how you feel. I also mentioned that you should practice a half smile because the muscles of your face help to determine your mood.
Today, I want to talk about turning (changing) your mind using your hearing. A lot of therapists and psychologists believe that you can help soothe yourself by listening to soothing music or invigorating music. I challenge this theory though. I think that sometimes it may be good to listen to music that lifts and inspires you but I believe whole heartedly that if you want to ease your mind then you should listen to silence! Part of the reason that we get stressed out is because of sensory overload! There are always sounds and we can’t seem to get away from it. So, I have a challenge for you. The next time you are feeling stressed find a quiet place. Turn off your television, turn off your computer, turn off your cell phone, turn off the mp3 player and the radio, turn off all the lights in the house except the one in the room you are in (don’t sit in the dark if you are depressed.). Now, everything is off. Do you hear that? You say you don’t hear anything? Perfect! Don’t worry about little sounds outside it won’t disturb you from listening to the silence of your home. Sit down in your chosen place, cross legged if you can or straight whatever is easier for you. Close your eyes. Put your hands comfortably on your lap with your palms facing up in an open gesture. Half smile now. Finally, for 5 minutes, just sit there and listen. Don’t let thoughts get in the way. Put a guard up to block the thoughts from the past and the future. When a thought arises, just notice it and let it drift away as if it were in a hot air balloon. Ssshhhhh…. Quiet….. Just listen to the silence. Be in this present moment in silence. You can almost feel the silence as is swirls around you. In 5 minutes I want you to open your eyes, stretch your arms and legs and take a mental note of your body. How does your head feel? How does your neck feel? Feel your shoulders. Feel your arms. Feel your hands. Continue all the way to the souls of your feet. Do you feel how the stress has left your body? It leaves in waves of energy through the palms of your hands and the souls of your feet. The silence has helped create the sense of peace filling your body. Now, smile, stand up. Stretch your body one more time. Feel better?
The mindfulness activity that will help you to appreciate turning things off will be to spend time and listen to natural sounds. This can be birds chirping, the rustling of the leaves, the way the wind sounds when it blows the plastic on your windows (I live in a trailer it’s a natural sound J). Listen mindfully. Listen completely. Don’t do anything else while you are practicing listening. Don’t think about the sounds you hear. Just hear them.
In my experience, these activities have created a desire for more and more silence. I began to crave it. I stopped turning on the television almost completely. Every once in a while I will take a break from everything and watch a program but I find that I do not enjoy it the way I used to, so I have taken to watching with the sound muted. I only do that if I am having trouble sleeping. That is the only time the television is on, is if I want to fall asleep. So, give it a try! See if it will reduce your stress. It may help you change your mind about feeling depressed and feeling angry. Sensory overload is very deregulating.
Sensory overload is like taking a full cup of tea and then trying to add more to it. It creates a mess and that’s it! You must have an empty cup to add more into it. So, empty your mind with mindful silence and I promise you will be more capable of holding the things you need like patience, compassion, love, energy to become a better, more happy person. Who knows, you may even feel normal.
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October 31, 2009 at 3:26 pm (meditation)
Tags: anger, change, depression, happy, help, meditation, mind, mindfulness, peaceful, self-help, smile
Do you ever find yourself stuck in a mood and not quite sure how you got there? It could be depression, anger, loneliness or any of a number of the negative emotions humans tend to feel. None of us want to be stuck in this negative mind set. It simply does not feel good. So you may ask yourself, “How do I stop myself from getting angry?” or “How do I shake this depression?” I am sure that most of you who have searched for answers to relieve depression or anger have read the same ole answer, exercise! So, I am not going to suggest that today. I know that when it is me who is depressed, the last thing I feel like doing is getting up and exercising. I live in a small trailer in a trailer park! If I do jumping jacks or what not my neighbors would wonder what the heck was going on LOL! So I have another suggestion that I will talk about today.
Did you know that you have the ability to change your mind about the way you feel? You can consciously turn your mind away from the negative emotions and toward more positive peaceful feelings. The first thing you need to know though is that this is a conscious decision and that it takes practice. You may have to turn you mind once an hour, once every 15 minutes maybe even once every 30 seconds. It takes determination to pull yourself out of the funk you find yourself in from time to time? So, how do you turn your mind?
One of the things you can do to help turn your mind is to use what is called a half smile. Sit down for 5 minutes. Close your eyes. Follow your breath. This means feel your breath going into your lungs; feel the pause at the top just before you exhale. Then feel the exhalation all the way to the end. There is another pause at the end just before your next inhalation. While you are doing this half-smile. Turn the corners of your mouth up just a bit. You are not grinning here you are just making a peaceful face, kind of like the smile on the Mona Lisa painting. If you do this for 5 minutes, you will find that when you open your eyes and begin to move around that your mood has increased and gotten better. It may not be completely better, but anything that is an improvement over the darkness of anger or depression is definitely better. To help train yourself to half smile, you should practice it when you are doing other things. You can half smile when you are listening to music, when you are laying down, when you are walking. A great way to start you day is when you first open your eyes in the morning, smile or half smile. Think something nice about yourself! Say, “Good morning Self!”
Another thing you can do to ease anger and depression is to self soothe using your senses. In this post I am going to focus on vision. Do you remember when you were a child and you saw something that made you happy? Maybe it was a particular flower, or a decorated table. Maybe it was looking at paintings or taking a walk and looking at fall leaves. Those things can still make you feel happy and peaceful. When you take your time and observe something that makes you happy without judging it or putting words to it, you will find that your spirits lift. Try this little exercise. Step outside your door, look around. Do you see something nice? Walk a little if you don’t see anything immediately. Find something that catches your eye. Now, study it. Don’t think about it. Just take your time and observe it. Look at it closely. Feel it. Smell it. Smile. This is a skill called observe. We are observing something that is soothing to the sight. For me personally, it is looking at wildlife like birds even sparrows are great to look at! Also looking at the fall leaves and the clouds make me feel good. I let silence into my mind. I don’t let thoughts of the past (even the past few moments) or the future enter into my mind. I put up a guard in the front of my mind and the back to keep those thoughts away. I focus only on the object in the present moment.
The next time you are not feeling so good emotionally, give these suggestions a try. They just may help. I think I would like to write more helpful suggestions in later posts. For now, it is time to get ready for work.
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