Many of you would agree that arguing in hurtful ways, even if you win the argument, is not effective and it just plane doesn’t feel good. When you are yelling and fighting and getting angry you may experience pain, difficulty breathing, a tight chest, headaches and much more. You can say things in the heat of a fight that you really regret later. You may feel bad about what you said but at the same time you may be angry about what the other person said or did. All of these emotions are normal and valid. You have a right to feel hurt, angry, sad or whatever it is you are going through and experiencing. However, it is important to know that this can become a cycle. Once you start getting into negative emotions and fighting it causes secondary emotions and more anger or sadness and then you fight because you feel angry again and hurt. So how can you break out of this cycle? How can you communicate without causing damage to yourself, your friend, relative, child, husband, wife, boss ect.?
One way I learned to handle people and situations is with the use of DEAR MAN. I learned this in DBT skills group for those with Borderline Personality Disorder (Yes, even professionals have problems!) DEAR MAN is an acronym that stands for Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce: Mindful, Appear Confident, and stay Mindful. So, let’s say that you have made an agreement to a friend that you would go do some shopping for them on Tuesday. Monday night your child gets the flu and is very sick. Now, you know this person is going to be upset because you have to let them know that you have to break your promise so you can stay home and take care of your child.
The first thing you’re going to do is DESCRIBE the situation. In this first step, it is important that you don’t use judgmental comments and if the other person attacks you for breaking the promise, you should do your best to ignore the comments. They are probably lashing out because they are now in emotion mind because they are not getting what they want when they want it. Describing the situation doesn’t have to be long and drawn out. It can be as simple as “Johnny is sick today with the flu.”
Next, you are going to want to express your feelings or opinions about the situation. The best way I know to do this is using I feel statements. In the example we are using, one could say, “I feel bad that I have to break my word to you.” Or “I feel sorry that I am changing the plans we made.” Again, it is important that we don’t make the situation worse by saying things like, “You shouldn’t expect me to do this!” even when the other person is attacking. Eliminate the word should or shouldn’t from your vocabulary because as soon as you use it the other person is going to feel resentful and probably do the exact opposite especially if they are feeling emotional or if they have other life things going on.
The next step is to assert yourself. You are going to ask for what you want directly, or say no clearly. People are not mind readersJ! We don’t always know what the other person is thinking and beating around the bush can leave the other person feeling confused. In this case, one could say, “I cannot do this for you today.” This lets the other party know that you are actually saying that you won’t be doing the shopping or going where the other person wanted you to go TODAY.
Now, understandably the other person may be upset. We all tend to have emotion when we are planning on something and the plan falls through. The other person if they are in an emotional state of mind may be angry, upset, disappointed and even hurt. They may lash out or threaten you to try to convince you to do what they want done. This is where REINFORCE comes in. We can validate what the other person is feeling without giving in! Did you hear me? You DO NOT have to give in because someone is pressuring you but it is important to validate the person who is now emotional. You can do this by saying, “I see that you are upset and I know this was important to you.” You can even make it sound like you are a team by saying something like, “Yeah, I would be hurt too if plans change at the last minute.” Let them know that you UNDERSTAND.
Next in this discussion is MAN. This is how you should go through this skill. As I mentioned the M stands for Mindful. It is best to stay mindful of the actual situation you are talking about. It can be easy to get nervous and start jumping around in the conversation to past hurts or faults. THAT WILL NOT HELP! When you keep your cool and keep your mind together you can speak more clearly.
The A stands for Appear Confident. Sometimes we have to be actors! Have you ever heard the statement “Fake it till you make it”? When other people have power over us in one way or another, we can be very nervous or scared to turn down a request or ask for something we want or need. It can be intimidating, and even more so if the other person is mad and yelling at us! This is where we act! Don’t let them think they can break you, or make you do something you don’t want to do because you can lose credibility and sound like you are not sure of your decision. Stick to your guns! No means no and you do have the right to ask for something.
Finally, the N is negotiating. It is usually possible to offer alternatives. In this case, we could say, “I would be happy to do the shopping for you as soon as Johnny feels better, or maybe I could help call around to see if someone else would go.” Let the other person know that you can compromise.
OK. So you have gone through Dear Man and the conversation is over. You stuck to your guns. You simply stated your piece without breaking bridges or becoming confrontational and you leave or hang up the phone. Now, you still feel bad because you had to let someone down or the other person is upset or maybe it simply didn’t work (sometimes that happens, but it happens far less when you use these skills than when you fight.) Now, you are a ball of emotion! First of all, this is understandable and natural. You just experienced a stressful event. It is OK for you to have these emotions, but we don’t want to get stuck here. Getting stuck in an emotion can lead to emotional suffering and you end up hurting yourself mentally and causing yourself more stress. So, what do we do with this emotion? There are several things we can do. First, try to observe what you’re feeling and then label it. What do you feel? Are your hands shaking? Are you sad? We need to find a way to calm down. Nerves can be pretty intense sometimes huh. Try taking a few deep breaths. Count them. We can use emotion regulation skills (which I will talk about in another post) to help. One of the skills is to self soothe with our five senses. Light a candle that smells good or just an ordinary candle that you can watch for a few minutes. Take a bath and use some scent in the water. Listen to music (music that makes you feel good, listening to the songs that make you swim in the emotion doesn’t really help). Maybe even lay down and rest for a bit. When we are emotionally tired and physically tired (from something like taking care of a sick child all night) can make us feel more emotional than we normally would.
That is about all I have for right now. I hope this helps. You can practice this skill using other situations. Even situations that are small and don’t amount to much will help because you will gain confidence and memory of it. Small successes lead to large successes.
By the way, this situation happened to me last night. I know these skills work, because I use them. I practice them. I am not perfect, and I still get into emotional mind the same as anyone else, but it does help to at least have a starting point.
When people have relationships with others it is inevitable to come into contact with disagreements or differences of opinion. These relationships can be anyone from those you work with to your friends, family and children. So, what can we do when we encounter conflict?
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