September 27, 2010 at 10:05 pm (Just Thinking)
Tags: benefit, blog, blogging, calm, change, empty, good, happy, letting go of pain, thinking
Just a Thought
The thing about being happy, is to know that you don’t need to have a lot and a lot of stuff. My home is a small trailer but it keeps my boys and I out of the heat and out of the snowy winters. There is no room to accumulate much, but when it does start getting to be too much, I let go of what I can and use what I cannot. I like my little home.
September 27, 2010 at 1:47 am (Borderline Personality Disorder, Mindful)
Tags: action, anger, benefit, Buddhism, calm, change, Education, kindness, Mindful, mindfulness, present moment awareness, skills, wisemind
Practicing Kind Speech
When people have relationships with others it is inevitable to come into contact with disagreements or differences of opinion. These relationships can be anyone from those you work with to your friends, family and children. So, what can we do when we encounter conflict?
I have a 10 year old who has Autism (very mild) but has severe anger issues when things do not go his way. He gets very hostile and aggressive with intense bouts of rage. At times it is very difficult for me to control my own emotions during these times. I have found though that If I am able to remain in control it is easier for him to regain his own control. To do this, I have to watch my own speech and not focus on his. I practice listening to what he is saying and responding in a way that is both validating and kind, but at the same time, I am the parent. I do have to set some limits to prevent him from harming either himself or other. This is the tricky part because I am human. I have emotions and it is not always easy to keep them in check when a 160 pound, 5′ 3″ ten year old is screaming and raging right in my face. However, I am very conscious of the fact that if I rage with him, it will solve no problems and usually make the situation worse and leaves us both feeling exceedingly bad. What I have learned raising this child is that I do not have to let my emotions control me. Rather, I do not even have to see the rage as directed at me. Instead, I can see it for what it is. A child who has lost control and is very insecure and unable to handle the intense feelings that is inside his mind.
What I have described is a bit on the extreme side compared to what we all handle on a day to day basis. However, it is valuable because it has shown me that I can deal with other people being angry without becoming angry myself. Have you ever heard the phrase, “Kill them with kindness” or “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar”? These sayings are so on point. When you “fight fire with fire” all you do is cause more destruction and more fire. Also, if someone is treating you badly and speaking unkindly to you, it is important to try to not take it personally because everybody has bad days. People get tired, stressed, grouchy, hungry and sad. Most of the time if someone is yelling at you it is not because you deserve it, but rather they are unsure of how to deal with their own emotions, thus they are taking them out on you. There are several ways to handle a situation where one person is being difficult toward you. You can say, “I’m sorry”. So many times a simple apology will go a long way, whether you actually did something wrong or not. Remaining calm, you will do a lot to help the other person regain control. Speak quietly. When you speak quietly, it forces the other person to lower their voice in order to hear you. When you can do nothing more, do nothing. Do not egg them on or let your own emotions get in the way of your own wise mind. Nobody can make you feel anything.
Stephen R. Covey once said, “Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.”
September 22, 2010 at 12:40 am (Borderline Personality Disorder, Buddhism, DBT, Mindful, Recovery)
Tags: action, anger, benefit, blog, Buddhism, calm, change, Education, letting go, meditation, Mindful, present moment awareness, stress relief, thinking, wisemind
Hardship Brings New Incentive to Practice Life Skills
I am having a hard time right now with coping with things lately. Normally, meditation works to solve stress that I find myself in. Unfortunately, Monkey Mind has taken over and I have decided that it is time to put my DBT (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy) Skills to work. I learned these skills some time ago and found a great deal of success in overcoming much of the anxious tension that fills me up.
The first thing to do is to determine what is really causing the problems. I believe there are several issues going on at the same time.
Now that I have listed the things that are problems for me, I can begin to analyze them and formulate solutions. Sometimes, there really is no solution and if there is no answer then it is not a problem and I will work to let it go.
One of the first things I need to do is reduce my vulnerability to Emotion Mind. This means using the PLEASE skills.
P L(Treat PhysicaL Illness)
E (Balanced Eating)
A (Avoid mood altering drugs and alcohol)
S (balance Sleep)
E (Exercise)
Another Skill I am going to work on is One-in-the-Moment. This means being mindful of what I am doing and only doing one thing at a time. It will be especially helpful in getting my house back under control. I got a pretty good start on it today by cleaning out two closets that have been bothering my mind due to the fact that they were accumulating just stuff. I am a strong proponent of having nothing that is not a need. So, I went through and tossed those things that were not necessary to hold on to.
Using One in the Moment will also help with my communication with the children. It is really easy to let the squabbling and fighting escalate to an unmanageable level when I am trying to deal with the boys and do other things. I believe that if I handle it as soon as it starts and do it directly, not from another room, that I can eliminate some of the tension.
So, for the next week these are the two skills that I am going to focus on. I will be posting progress and results as the week moves forward.
July 23, 2010 at 5:22 pm (Buddhism, Dhamma, meditation)
Tags: blog, Buddhism, calm, change, forgiveness, happy, kindness, letting go, meditation, meditation benefit, mindfulness, peaceful, present moment awareness, wisemind
This is what should be done By one who is skilled in goodness,
And who knows the path of peace:
Let them be able and upright,
Straightforward and gentle in speech,
Humble and not conceited, Contented and easily satisfied,
Unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways.
Peaceful and calm and wise and skillful, Not proud or demanding in nature.
Let them not do the slightest thing
That the wise would later reprove.
Wishing: In gladness and in safety,
May all beings be at ease.
Whatever living beings there may be;
Whether they are weak or strong, omitting none,
The great or the mighty, medium, short or small,
The seen and the unseen,
Those living near and far away,
Those born and to-be-born —
May all beings be at ease!
Let none deceive another,
Or despise any being in any state.
Let none through anger or ill-will Wish harm upon another.
Even as a mother protects with her life
Her child, her only child,
So with a boundless heart
Should one cherish all living beings;
Radiating kindness over the entire world:
Spreading upwards to the skies,
And downwards to the depths;
Outwards and unbounded,
Freed from hatred and ill-will.
Whether standing or walking, seated or lying down
Free from drowsiness,
One should sustain this recollection.
This is said to be the sublime abiding.
By not holding to fixed views,
The pure-hearted one, having clarity of vision,
Being freed from all sense desires,
Is not born again into this world.
July 15, 2010 at 2:24 am (letting go, meditation, Mindful, mindfulness, Uncategorized)
Tags: blog, calm, change, empty, goals, kindness, letting go, Mindful, mindfulness, observe, peaceful, present moment awareness, silence, thinking, wisemind
How Tough are You?
Can you walk through this world completely alone, observing those around you but never touching, never speaking, never being truly involved? Can you live without ever giving an opinion on anything? Is it really necessary to give an opinion on anything? Would it matter in the end if you spoke your mind or if you remained silent and kind? Too often opinions are just empty words meant as bricks to throw at another. How often does your opinion actually mirror that of another? The answer, if you were being honest with yourself, is rarely and possibly never. What is the point? People play devil’s advocate just to have something to do or something to talk about.
Can you be alone? Do you always look for a reason to be around others? Can you be happy in the company of only yourself? There is so much noise in our world that so many people don’t know how to be quiet and live in the quiet. Most of the people I know must have the television or radio on just to be able to go to sleep. Their lives are filled with noise and activity. There doesn’t seem to be any stillness left. People seem to be uncomfortable with silence and stillness. To me it seems they don’t appreciate what is around them and most times don’t even really know what is around them. Just to test this, close your eyes right now and picture the room you are sitting in. Try to see it exactly the way it is the minute you walked in. Did you see the cobweb in the corner? Did you see the sock on the floor or even the color of your child’s clothes? These are the details we miss when we don’t know silence. To know silence is to know solitude but not only that around you but within you.
A wolf walks alone and one can hear its howl in the wind late at night. It is a long, seemingly lonely, howl, but is it truly lonely? Or, is it a wail of primal pleasure as it celebrates its life? When the moon rises and it’s senses become alert, its eyes glisten with life. Its nose twitches as it picks up the scent of its next meal. It does not take for granted where its next meal is going to come from. It can feel the heartbeat of its prey. Its pulse races as it stalks then chases and brings down its meal. As its teeth sink into the throat of another creature, the warm blood spills into its mouth. Its teeth rip flesh from bone and it drinks of the life within the animal. The wolf knows that each meal may be its last for some time and thus experiences the meal fully. When is the last time you actually took the time to taste your food? Can you eat in silence and feel the food within your mouth. Can you smell and taste the various flavors? When is the last time you have experienced a meal and not just eaten it?
Make choices on purpose. Live on purpose. Be silent. Experience everything.
January 28, 2010 at 5:21 am (letting go)
Tags: action, benefit, blog, blogging, calm, change, Education, empty, forgiveness, goals, help, letting go, letting go of pain, peaceful, present moment awareness, Recovery, self-help
Insight: Too Much Stuff
When you look around the room you are in right now, what do you see? Is there stuff everywhere? Do you have pictures on the walls? Are those pictures accurate? If you have pictures, are they to remind you that you had some magnificent experience sometime in the past? Pictures usually only show the good things that have happened. The reality is, that what we capture in photographs are usually lies. Most pictures taken of babies and small children are only because the photographer got the child to laugh after an hour and a half temper tantrum. Am I wrong? Do you really love the things you have hanging on your walls? Would you be devastated if those things were lost to you? The memory is in your mind, do you really need pictures?
Now, take a look at your shelves. Are they cluttered with nick-knacks, or just stuff that you stuck there because you were in a hurry or didn’t have another place for it? Are there books that you have read? Shoot, there are probably books that you intended to read a long time ago and never got to it. Maybe, this is a source of stress for you, so you don’t look at your shelves.
Ahhh, what about your closets! Do you find that they are packed to the gills with clothes and more stuff? Why do we hold on to all this stuff? They are just things. How many things do we really need anyway? If we don’t love the things we have then why do we hold on to them? If you were really honest with yourself, and yes, I know that is hard to do, but if you are honest with yourself could you let go of some of the stuff that is causing you stress. If you really think that you will read that book then sure go ahead and keep it a while longer. If not, bless somebody else with it. Give it to your local library or a needy family in the area. What you don’t love maybe someone else will.
If you want to find some peace in your home, you need to start letting go of things that do not bring you peace. If the nick-Knacks just cause you stress because you have to clean them, then they are not bringing you peace. Let them go. The same with all those clothes and shoes in your closet. If you haven’t warn it in a year or used it in a year then let it go. You fill find as you clear more and more space that you begin to feel as the space feels.
Now before you go jumping in, please remember you didn’t accumulate all that in a day so don’t try to get rid of it all in a day. Take your time. For each thing you pick up really experience the object and decide if it is worthy of the space it will take up. If it isn’t let it go. Do this a little at a time and you will find that your peace and happiness will grow.
I love my empty walls. I have two sets of clothes for work and about 5 sets for other days. One set of dress up clothes. Doing laundry is easy J and so is deciding what to wear. If I do decide to buy something new, shoes for instance, then I let the old shoes go.
When you can let go of things, you can let go of stress, hurtful memories, and live in the present moment with no worries of the future and no regrets from the past.
Thank you for reading
January 27, 2010 at 10:19 pm (Mindful)
Tags: benefit, calm, change, chronic fatigue, depression, empty, fatigue, good, happy, letting go, Mindful, mindfulness, observe, peaceful, present moment awareness, silence, thinking
SILENCE
Silence propagates itself, and the longer talk has been suspended, the more difficult it is to find anything to say.
– Samuel Johnson
So many people are plagued with chronic fatigue. Days are filled with activity and noise. I don’t just mean the noise of the cars passing on the street or trains and busses that take us from one place to another but also the noise of technology which in turn creates noise within our brains and our minds. It is little wonder that we experience this fatigue when we wake each morning and it lasts throughout the day. When the noise fills our every waking moment we can never truly relax. Our minds crave silence. It is within the silence that we can overcome the fatigue and find peace in ourselves and our lives.
How many times do you wake up and still feel tired and grumpy. Even the sound of your child’s voice or your loved one in the shower makes you want to hide in the solitude of your bed under the covers. How many times do you snap at your child or others when they ask you a question? Do you wake up in the morning and just listen to the sound of silence in your bedroom? It feels so comforting.. and it is. Have you ever taken a walk in a quiet park or down a road with no traffic? If so, did you find that you stopped thinking? It is an amazing experience when you can move inside silence. For me, it is a feeling very similar to love. It is like rocking a sleeping infant or being rocked as a small child when you are curled up on your mother’s lap with your head on her chest. It is comforting and consuming. It is love.
Do you want to feel better? Do you want to end the fatigue? If you do, find your silence. Everyday. Turn off the phone. Turn off the television, radio, and computers. Light a candle or burn some incense if you like that kind of thing. Don’t talk. Still your mind, by moving into the space between the words. The more you do this, the more you will want to do this. You can start by doing this for one hour per day. You can do it by going for a silent walk, meditating, or even just sitting. Anything to get away from the sounds outside and inside. Eventually you will find that one hour turns into two hours and those two hours turns into longer periods. Any time of day will work but I find that I enjoy it first thing in the morning. I get up before anyone else. I sit with a cup of coffee and a vanilla candle. I usually just sit on my couch and watch the sun rise out my window. On days when others have to be up early I do this and just sit look at my candle flame with no thoughts, no sounds, inside the space between words and thoughts. When I do this in the early morning, I can handle everything so much more easily. I can show my boys that I love them when they wake up instead of snapping at them for their small requests. I can go to work in the afternoon and not feel completely drug out.
When is the last time you experienced silence? I offer this challenge to all of you, for one hour today or tomorrow shut off and shut down your technology and the thoughts of present and past. Sit or walk. Just find your silence.
Thank you for reading.
January 18, 2010 at 5:29 pm (meditation)
Tags: action, anger, As a Man Thinketh, benefit, blog, Buddhism, calm, change, depression, forgiveness, goals, happy, James Allen, kindness, letting go, letting go of pain, meditation, peaceful, present moment awareness, Recovery
What You Think – You Become
One of the most compelling things that I have learned, I first learned in a book by James Allen. That is where the seed was planted in my mind. Over the past couple of years that seed took hold and has become quite the plant so to speak. One quote of the Buddha is this, “Mind precedes its objects. They are mind governed and mind made. To speak or act with a defiled mind is to draw pain after oneself, like a wheel behind the feet of an animal drawing it.” James Allen, used this quote in his book As a Man Thinketh. He went on to say, “As a plant springs from, and could not be without, the seed, so every act of man springs from the hidden seeds of thought and could not have appeared without them.”
So, what does this mean and how can we apply it to our lives to help ourselves let go of pain, depression, negativity and those things which stand in our way of happiness and freedom? Someone recently said to me, “Nature abhors a vacuum.” What she meant by this is that when you let go of something, your mind / nature wants to replace it with something else. This is why we sometimes develop monkey mind when we are trying to meditate or when we are trying to fall asleep. I believe that the stillness we can find within, by creating that silent place within our mind is not so much a vacuum but a thought of peace. We can feel it all the way to our very essence. From the seed of thought, so grows the plant of action. If you want to let go of pain, you first must think and believe that you can.
If you have a single moment in your day that you realize you don’t hurt. For a second or two there is no pain, no shame, and no hurts mentally and physically, even if it only lasts a split second that is your seed! You know without a doubt that you really can for a second, feel no pain. Close your eyes just for a moment and look at that seed. It is living. It wants to be planted so it can grow. Lovingly, plant that seed in your mind. Give it care and understanding as a mother would a new born child. Nourish that seed by knowing that it is there and underneath the “earth” you covered it in, it is taking root. It is just a small root, not visible immediately, but it is there. It is alive within you.
As that seed grows, you will begin to see more and more times when you say, “Hey, I am standing up and my back isn’t hurting.” Or maybe you notice more and more silence within your meditation.
If you are having trouble with meditation and you can’t find that stillness, there is a way to find that “seed” also. When we speak or think, in between the words there is a split second pause. It is like the empty spot when you hit your spacebar when typing. Try to imagine yourself stepping into that space in between the words. Hold it. It will take practice but the practice of doing that is nourishing that seed and the pause will become longer and longer until your meditation brings you to a silent awareness of bliss.
“Nature abhors a void.” So, maybe she is right. We are letting go of pain and replacing it with feelings of peace. We are letting go of the chatter in our minds and replacing it with silent awareness of the present moment where we exist between the words, where we are truly free.
What we think we become. Our actions are the produce of the grown seeds. When we contemplate negative emotions and indulge anger, lust, greed, hatred or any other quality that does not bring us to the end of suffering, we draw more suffering after ourselves. If however, we think of virtuous deeds and peace and love we will draw after us that which will show in everything we do or say. If you want to find peace, you must first plant the seed. Know that it is within your and nourish it always.
January 16, 2010 at 5:23 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: benefit, blogging, Buddhism, calm, change, depression, Education, happy, help, kindness, letting go, meditation, mind, Mindful, mindfulness, observe, peaceful, present moment awareness, stress relief
The rent is going to be a week late because I made an error. I thought I was getting a check today but it is next Friday that I get my money. So I figure I had two options. Number 1, I could stress out about it and then my whole day would be thrown off. I would have become upset. Number 2, I could handle the problem professionally. I chose option two. I called the landlord and explained my error. She was very kind, I have shown her kindness when ever I could and she showed me kindness today by forgiving my mistake. This is a great example of what being kind to others gets you in return. The idea of loving kindness is not to expect anything in return but it naturally happens. When you let go of pride and expectations and give kindness just for the sake of loving all beings you bring good karma upon yourself.
I let go of the fear and stress I felt when I was told my money wouldn’t arrive for another week and instead replaced it with feelings of well being. I sat down and experienced a very deep meditation. I don’t even know where the time went. When I left my meditation the time had just passed. I felt like I had only been meditating for a few minutes when in fact it was much longer. I had actually lost my five senses and was in a state of…. bliss… is the only word I can use to describe it. I was happy and free. My mind was not cluttered with stress. I felt physically and mentally good.
I felt so good I decided to show some loving kindness to a neighbor who has a problem with depression. I invited the neighbor over and made some homemade organic soup.. my own creation… 🙂 We ate together in silence which felt wonderful also because I was really able to fully experience my meal. Each bite it seemed had a flavor all its own. Mindful eating is so wonderfully delicious. After we were done eating, my neighbor thanked me and headed for home. I was still feeling really peaceful so I made a cup of coffee and sat down on my old, worn, couch in my little tiny trailer and sipped at the hot coffee while looking out the window. No thoughts were going through my mind, no wanting, no waiting, no stress. I simply was in the moment, and I was totally, completely happy. I just was.
I would like to offer this to my readers. When you are feeling stressed out, first of all try to figure out why. Then find a solution to the problem. If there is no solution then it is not a problem and you can just let it all go. If there is a solution, do what you can and be happy with it. What is done… is finished. You don’t have to move a mountain all in a day, you can use a teaspoon and move it one bit at a time. When you are doing what you can, then you are moving your mountain and you can let go of the stress. Find inner peace and be content with where you are right here and now.
It is possible. I have seen it, felt it, and bathed in the peace.
January 15, 2010 at 1:31 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: benefit, blog, calm, emotion, fear, happy, help, letting go of pain, meditation, Mindful, mindfulness, observe, pain, peace, self-help, skills, wise, wisemind, yoga
Letting Go of Pain by Letting go of Fear
Have you ever noticed that when you fear pain it makes it worse? I know a lot of people suffer from back pain and pain that physical pain that takes over the whole body like fibromyalgia. Sometimes, people wake up in the morning and they are afraid to stretch their arms or legs so they lay there awake for 20, 30, or 40 minutes in fear of moving, of starting another day. They expect the worse and they fear it, so when they do move, they get exactly what they expected.
Fear in humans and other creature’s causes what is called the fight or flight response. When we agonize over pain we are fighting it and when we take drugs (illegal or overdosing on prescription, alcohol) or sleeping excessively we are running in fear.
Speaking of running in fear, I just want to tell you that even the best of meditators experience this fight or flight response to fear. There is a story that I heard Ajahn Brahm tell about a monk who was meditating in the jungle. He was saying a mantra as he did meditate. Now, you know, when your eyes are closed it is really easy to pick up on all sorts of sounds and what are small sounds in our minds become big bad things. Well that is what was happening with this monk. He heard a sound, then another and tried to tell himself it was a rodent so he started saying the mantra louder. Finally he opened his eyes to peek and see what the sound was all the while saying the mantra and trying not to lose the state of mind. What he saw was a Tiger getting closer and closer. His mind apparently went blank and his mantra went from One, One, One to Tiger, Tiger, Tiger. He experienced the flight response and began to run out of the jungle and into town but he was so afraid that his mind kept repeating Tiger, Tiger, Tiger and as he ran, his robes began to slip and drag. He of course didn’t know this because he was just thinking about getting away from a Tiger! By the time he got to town he was still chanting Tiger Tiger Tiger but he was completely naked by now because his robes had fallen away from running in fear! Ha Ha. (Sorry, just had to throw in that story since we were talking about fear it popped into my head).
OK, so back to talking about us. Now, I know that you may be thinking to yourself, that I have talked about letting go of pain and now I am talking about letting go of fear but how do we actually do it? One way is with meditation. You do not have to sit up for meditation; you just have to stay awake. If sitting hurts, you obviously are not going to be able to concentrate on much of anything other than the fact that you are hurting. So try laying down in whatever position is most comfortable for you. If you are in a hospital bed reading this, you can stay there. Close your eyes and feel your body. Really feel it. Imagine your toes. Don’t wiggle them just notice them. What do they feel like? Then, move up to your ankle. What does that feel like? What sensations are there? Do this slowly until you have moved through each body part even your eyes and the tip of your head. When you get to the top of your head, imagine a hole about the size of a quarter or so, visualize it like the blow hole of a dolphin. Now visualize a stream of healing energy, blue energy moving into your body on each in breath. Feel the energy move through your body and into where you hurt. See this energy with your mind’s eye healing you. On each out breath, blow out the pain peacefully. We are not trying to force the pain away we are accepting it, welcoming it and letting it out of our body with the breath.
Another way we can help is to try some yoga. Not the kind of yoga we see in the pictures where people are doing some very difficult things with their body but simple yoga stretches. When we build our core muscles it can greatly reduce back pain. One simple yoga move is just pelvic tilts. Lay on something firm, it could be a mat on the floor or something like that. Lay on your back with your arms down by your sides palms up toward the ceiling. This is the corpse position. Then put your Knees up and feet flat on the floor. Slowly rock your pelvis up just enough so that your tailbone is coming up not your whole pelvis just your tailbone. You will feel some tension in your belly. This is just one example. There are several more you can do. If you Google yoga to relieve pain you can see some simple moves that can help.
These are a couple of things you can do. As I have said before, we have to accept the pain and give it kindness so we can let it go. Part of that is recognizing the fear that comes along with the pain. When you start asking yourself what it is you feel, do you feel fear, do you feel sensation, you can start to ask yourself, what your body needs and give it the loving kindness so that you can come to peace. Sometimes, once you get into the habit of doing this that you will recognize something in your life that may be triggering these emotions and sensation. Maybe you are eating a food that brings on migraines, maybe you are ingesting caffeine that increases chronic pain symptoms, maybe you are not sleeping. Then give yourself some credit, you have come a long way to understanding and finally give yourself loving kindness.
That’s all for today. Thank you for reading. If you have any questions or want to hear more about anything please leave a comment and I will respond as soon as I am able.
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