September 22, 2010 at 12:40 am (Borderline Personality Disorder, Buddhism, DBT, Mindful, Recovery)
Tags: action, anger, benefit, blog, Buddhism, calm, change, Education, letting go, meditation, Mindful, present moment awareness, stress relief, thinking, wisemind
Hardship Brings New Incentive to Practice Life Skills
I am having a hard time right now with coping with things lately. Normally, meditation works to solve stress that I find myself in. Unfortunately, Monkey Mind has taken over and I have decided that it is time to put my DBT (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy) Skills to work. I learned these skills some time ago and found a great deal of success in overcoming much of the anxious tension that fills me up.
The first thing to do is to determine what is really causing the problems. I believe there are several issues going on at the same time.
- I am not getting enough sleep. I do actually go into my bed but falling asleep is just not happening lately.
- Cherokee is having major anger issues (partly due to Aspergers syndrome, and partly due to his brother constantly egging him on).
- Scottie, well, I wrote a post about him last night. He is 14 years old and is very mouthy lately. I just can’t seem to do anything to make this child happy lately.
- I am OCD about a clean house and it just isn’t up to my standards which makes me feel tense.
Now that I have listed the things that are problems for me, I can begin to analyze them and formulate solutions. Sometimes, there really is no solution and if there is no answer then it is not a problem and I will work to let it go.
One of the first things I need to do is reduce my vulnerability to Emotion Mind. This means using the PLEASE skills.
P L(Treat PhysicaL Illness)
E (Balanced Eating)
A (Avoid mood altering drugs and alcohol)
S (balance Sleep)
E (Exercise)
Another Skill I am going to work on is One-in-the-Moment. This means being mindful of what I am doing and only doing one thing at a time. It will be especially helpful in getting my house back under control. I got a pretty good start on it today by cleaning out two closets that have been bothering my mind due to the fact that they were accumulating just stuff. I am a strong proponent of having nothing that is not a need. So, I went through and tossed those things that were not necessary to hold on to.
Using One in the Moment will also help with my communication with the children. It is really easy to let the squabbling and fighting escalate to an unmanageable level when I am trying to deal with the boys and do other things. I believe that if I handle it as soon as it starts and do it directly, not from another room, that I can eliminate some of the tension.
So, for the next week these are the two skills that I am going to focus on. I will be posting progress and results as the week moves forward.
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September 21, 2010 at 2:39 am (Borderline Personality Disorder, letting go, mindfulness, Recovery)
Tags: action, blog, Buddhism, change, depression, forgiveness, goals, Mindful, wisemind
When I was a Child
Philosopher_27
“When I was a child I spoke as a child I understood as a child I thought as a child; but when I became a man I put away childish things.” I Cor. xiii. 11.
This is from the Christian Bible and though I am Buddhist, I find great respect for the teachings there in. This particular phrase seems more and more real as each day moves forward. You see, I have 2 children. One is 14 and the other is 10 years of age. I remember when I was 14 that I gave my mom a run for her money. I isolated myself when I wasn’t in school or working. I was very withdrawn and for the most part depressed and angry at the same time. Back then, as now, I suffered from a personality disorder called BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder. Back then, I fought for independence. I withdrew from everyone I cared about because I saw everything as black and white, love and hate. I was so scared of abandonment that I basically abandoned them before they did me.
This post however, is not about me. I just thought it was important to give a bit of background. This post is about my son, Scottie. He is caught in that place between child and man. On one hand, he is struggling to define himself. I see him struggling to figure out just who he is. At times, he acts like his friends; and at other times he is standing above everyone to be who he believes he is. There seems to be a fight within his mind about standing out and fitting in. He puts on a tough front but at times he lets me see that insecure boy that is still within him. Those times it seems, are few and far between, but they are there. I wonder if perhaps he has Borderline disorder as well, or perhaps the type of depression I went through as a young teen.
The quote above appears to be written for Scottie. When he was a child he spoke like a child. I heard, “I love you Mom!” 20 times a day. He wanted nothing more than to be with me. I remember spending hours upon hours teaching him and coaching him. I remember pushing him on the swings and playing hide and seek. Now he neither speaks like a child nor an adult. I hear him venting frustration at every turn. In my own opinion, I would like to just let it be. Let him learn from his own mistakes. I however am forced by society and those who constantly tell me that I should do this or that to be more forceful toward him. I am basically forced to lay punishment for mistakes. I do not believe this is the answer. I believe that punishment will not correct mistakes but will make the “child” resentful. I believe that mistakes are a part of growing up. I further believe in natural consequences. I wish I could just raise him the way I want to but society dictates what I have to do and that is frustrating for both of us.
So, when is enough, enough? How far do I go? How far will he go? Will he become a secure adult if he is allowed to make mistakes without punishment or consequences? Who is right? These are a few questions that sit in my own mind. Questions for which there are no real answers. Only time will tell.
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February 2, 2010 at 6:42 pm (Recovery)
Tags: action, anger, benefit, blog, blogging, dream, dreaming, Education, forgiveness, goals, help, kindness, Mindful, observe, pain, silence, the dream, thinking
The Dream
I am standing in front of a large crowd. I am speaking to a thousand women. Some of the women are battered and bruised. Some are drug addicts and alcoholics. I see some women screaming in pain and anger but I hear no sound other than the sound of my own voice. It appears as though the women in the audience before me are standing in some sort of blazing lava. It is what I imagine Hell must look like if there is one. Their faces are contorted with torment. It is darkness all around them. The only light I see is on me. It is like I am bathed in a spotlight. I am not afraid. I just know that I have to help them. I have to save them from the hell they writhe in. That is the over powering emotion of the dream. It feels like I am being pulled to help. They beg me with their eyes. I do not know the faces of the women but they seem familiar to me for some reason. I am certain that I can help them. I can show them a way out of the misery. They are stuck, trapped. I can help them break the chains that bind them in place. Maybe those chains are made of fear and hatred and ill-will. The chains could be their inability to find their own direction.
This has been a recurring dream for the past couple of years but seems to be more present lately and much more vivid. I remember the dream during the waking hours. When the grey light of the winter sun filters through the windows and I am sitting in silence, the image appears in my mind without my beckoning. Sometimes in my meditation I can see their faces. There is always the silence though. I live inside the silence as much as I can. This is how I gain insight. I meditate often. I see things clearly and can experience things more fully. That is a great benefit of meditation. But I wonder about the dream and the images from time to time. Is this dream trying to tell me something? Is it a premonition of what is to come? Or, is it a journey that I am supposed to begin? I have been on death’s door twice with machines pumping my heart and ventilator breathing for me. It was the second time when the dreams started. The urge to do something is so strong that at times I feel like I need to remember something I have forgotten. I feel like I must move in the direction of seeing that dream in real life. I do not claim to be enlightened or even close to it, but something is definitely going on because I know it the way I know my own face in the mirror.
It occurs to me that I wonder if I am worthy of helping those that are calling out to me. Can I really help? Will I know the right thing to say at the right time? I sometimes feel like I am in a car with the motor running and my foot on the break pedal. What will happen if I begin to move?
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December 20, 2009 at 1:11 am (Recovery)
Tags: Buddhism, letting go, letting go of pain, meditation, Mindful, mindfulness, one mindfully, pain, present moment awareness, wise, wisemind
Letting Go of Pain: A Follow Up
Pain and suffering are two different things. Pain can be just pain or it can be a cause of suffering. Wanting and attachment lead to suffering. Sometimes we want to eliminate the pain in our body so bad that we suffer because of it. When this happens we have let the pain overcome our mind. We want want want and we suffer. We attach ourselves to the pain. We say, “This is my pain.” Or we say, “My pain, back, or legs hurt!” That is attachment. This is attaching physical sensation, pain, to your own sense of self. It is important to know that the pain you experience does not belong to you. It is an entity in itself. It is a sensation. Wanting and attachment lead to suffering.
I want to say this to everyone who is experiencing pain, has experienced pain, and will experience pain. You do not have to suffer because of pain! You do not have to attach yourself to the pain, nor do you have to want it to go away. Doing so will only make it stay longer and you will suffer. Instead, acknowledge the sensation as just that… a sensation, nothing more. Then let the pain go. Feel the sensation leave your body. You cannot force anyone or anything.. you have to welcome it to come and go. Give the pain peace like you would let a child go out to play on a warm summers day. No fear. Do not fear the pain. Do not dwell on the future. Telling yourself, “I cannot take this pain any longer!” is dwelling in the future because you are placing the fear and the pain into the future of “longer”. Be in the present moment. Have present moment awareness. Try not to hold onto that pain. 
I read that someone believes going into pain will make it go away. I completely honor anyone and their beliefs.. may all beings be happy and well. I, however, do not believe that going into pain will make it go away. By going inside pain and focusing solely on that you are attaching the pain to a physical body. You are saying this is my pain. It does not have to be that way. There can be no I, no me, and no mine.
Finally, also please remember about impermanence. Nothing, is forever. Every star in the sky will fade as will every ache or pain. This life is not permanent. This body is not permanent. Remind yourself, this too shall pass, and let go. Let be, and let go.
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November 2, 2009 at 1:22 pm (Buddhism, Dhamma, meditation, Recovery)
Tags: AFL Code, anger, change, fighting, forgiveness, help, kindness, letting go, letting go of anger, mindfulness, self-help, wise
I have to go to a meeting soon but I just wanted to share something before I leave. My youngest son made me think of this story this morning. I originally heard the story when I was listening to a talk given by Buddhist Monk, Ajahn Brahm. This is the story of the Anger Eating Dragon.
THE ANGER EATING DRAGON
Once upon a time there was a king who lived in a far away castle. One day the king decided to take a holiday and left his palace to tour another country. In his absence an evil dragon showed up. This dragon was already big and smelly and his language was awful! The dragon went into the throne room and took over the Kings throne. When the guards saw the dragon they immediately got mad and tried to oust the dragon. But.. with each unkind word and unkind deed even with each unkind thought the dragon grew bigger and bigger. It got smellier and its language got farrrr worse! This went on for several days until the dragon was so huge it took up the entire throne room. This dragon fed on the anger of the guards and it grew and grew until it was out of control. Well, when the king came back the guards were all in a huff and started shouting at the king about what the dragon had done. Well, this was a wise king and he knew just what to do to handle this problem. He went into his palace and called out in a loud voice to the very large dragon, “Hello Mr. Dragon! How nice it is to see you!” “Would you like a cup of tea or perhaps some curry?”
With each kind word and deed the dragon got a little smaller, a little less stinky and his language even improved. When the guards saw what was happening they realized what they had done wrong. They knew that to make the anger dragon bigger they had to feed it anger but to make it smaller they had to feed it kindness. So all the guards and their families and friends gathered and started caring for the monster. They did all kinds of nice things like give him a foot massage and give him treats and teas. And you may know what happened. The dragon got smaller and smaller and smaller until he had gotten so much kindness that he got so small he just poofed and was gone.
The moral of the story is that when you allow anger to take over it will feed on itself and grow and grow. Eventually it will fill up your home, your mind, your heart and people do get hurt.
Now my confession. I thought of this story because I made my son cry this morning. We got into an argument about Halloween candy, when he got angry and started stomping his feet I got angry. I yelled right back at him. I am very sorry I did that. When I realized what was going on and that the anger eating dragon was filling up my home I stopped it all. I apologized, he apologized and we both forgive each other. Then we let it go. Once you apologize and truly mean it you can forgive yourself and others and then you can really let it go. There is no need to carry it with you and add a burden to your day when it is already forgiven. I have let it go. I just wanted to write this out because some of you may not have heard that story. I am sure I did not tell it just like Ajahn Brahm did but I think my intent is clear and I just wanted you all to know that we are human, we make mistakes but we can acknowledge those mistakes, forgive them, and let them go. We don’t need to carry the weight of mistakes around with us. It’s over and I still love him, he still loves me (that was with my 9 year old).
OK it is time to go. Please check back later this afternoon because I am going to post my next step in dealing with anger and depression. It is going to be to self soothe with touch. We have talked about vision and hearing. The next sense is touch. I look forward to writing that and being in contact with you all. Thank you for your time I am really enjoying all of your blogs and writings and pictures. Peace to you all J
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November 1, 2009 at 6:19 pm (Buddhism, meditation, Recovery)
Tags: anger, blog, depression, mindfulness, music, peaceful, Recovery, self-help, sensory overload, silence, sounds of nature, thinking, wise, wisemind
Yesterday, I began a discussion on how to find your way out of depression and anger and basically any mind state that you don’t want to be in. I mentioned that using mindfulness while observing something that makes you feel good is one way to change your mind about how you feel. I also mentioned that you should practice a half smile because the muscles of your face help to determine your mood.
Today, I want to talk about turning (changing) your mind using your hearing. A lot of therapists and psychologists believe that you can help soothe yourself by listening to soothing music or invigorating music. I challenge this theory though. I think that sometimes it may be good to listen to music that lifts and inspires you but I believe whole heartedly that if you want to ease your mind then you should listen to silence! Part of the reason that we get stressed out is because of sensory overload! There are always sounds and we can’t seem to get away from it. So, I have a challenge for you. The next time you are feeling stressed find a quiet place. Turn off your television, turn off your computer, turn off your cell phone, turn off the mp3 player and the radio, turn off all the lights in the house except the one in the room you are in (don’t sit in the dark if you are depressed.). Now, everything is off. Do you hear that? You say you don’t hear anything? Perfect! Don’t worry about little sounds outside it won’t disturb you from listening to the silence of your home. Sit down in your chosen place, cross legged if you can or straight whatever is easier for you. Close your eyes. Put your hands comfortably on your lap with your palms facing up in an open gesture. Half smile now. Finally, for 5 minutes, just sit there and listen. Don’t let thoughts get in the way. Put a guard up to block the thoughts from the past and the future. When a thought arises, just notice it and let it drift away as if it were in a hot air balloon. Ssshhhhh…. Quiet….. Just listen to the silence. Be in this present moment in silence. You can almost feel the silence as is swirls around you. In 5 minutes I want you to open your eyes, stretch your arms and legs and take a mental note of your body. How does your head feel? How does your neck feel? Feel your shoulders. Feel your arms. Feel your hands. Continue all the way to the souls of your feet. Do you feel how the stress has left your body? It leaves in waves of energy through the palms of your hands and the souls of your feet. The silence has helped create the sense of peace filling your body. Now, smile, stand up. Stretch your body one more time. Feel better?
The mindfulness activity that will help you to appreciate turning things off will be to spend time and listen to natural sounds. This can be birds chirping, the rustling of the leaves, the way the wind sounds when it blows the plastic on your windows (I live in a trailer it’s a natural sound J). Listen mindfully. Listen completely. Don’t do anything else while you are practicing listening. Don’t think about the sounds you hear. Just hear them.
In my experience, these activities have created a desire for more and more silence. I began to crave it. I stopped turning on the television almost completely. Every once in a while I will take a break from everything and watch a program but I find that I do not enjoy it the way I used to, so I have taken to watching with the sound muted. I only do that if I am having trouble sleeping. That is the only time the television is on, is if I want to fall asleep. So, give it a try! See if it will reduce your stress. It may help you change your mind about feeling depressed and feeling angry. Sensory overload is very deregulating.
Sensory overload is like taking a full cup of tea and then trying to add more to it. It creates a mess and that’s it! You must have an empty cup to add more into it. So, empty your mind with mindful silence and I promise you will be more capable of holding the things you need like patience, compassion, love, energy to become a better, more happy person. Who knows, you may even feel normal.
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November 1, 2009 at 4:08 am (Borderline Personality Disorder, Drugs, meditation, PTSD, Recovery, yoga)
Tags: blog, change, depression, drug abuse, Drugs, growth, help, meditation benefit, mindfulness, peaceful, Recovery, self-help, thinking, yoga
There was a time in my life before I learned how to meditate, before I learned what emotions were, before I learned how to calm my mind, body and soul that I used to try to escape… from myself. I used drugs and alcohol. I used people and was used by them. I could never let anyone get close to me because I was so afraid of contact. I was afraid of any kind of intimacy that involved me revealing anything of myself. My world was dark. My very soul was dark. This was the before. In that before I wrote.. it was the only release I had against the agony that filled me up and kept me immensely lonly. When the drug use landed me in the hospital on life support, things took a turn for the better. I eventually left the hospital and the following day entered into a facility for drug rehab. In the beginning I was still desperate. Still withdrawn and lonly. It wasn’t until near the end that I discovered true meditation, peace in mind, yoga, serenity and I have since built a life on that. But In the beginning of rehab, I wrote a poem. This is the poem I wrote. It shows where I used to be. I have kept it these past two years because it is a place I never want to return to. It is a reminder of what can happen if I slip. If I use just one more time… I know I will end up where I was…
Finality; End of an Absolute
When I was dead
I did not know that I was dead
It was a long almost
a benign age
and all that time time was not
moving but only a silvery ribbon
in the shadowy deep
valley of no change
Dead so long dead
and I never loved any of them
but who would blame
the hound that can’t see color
or the white cat deaf
I lived by arrangements
with others sometimes
in respect sometimes near affection
but never close…
(When I was dead I did not know
that I was dead)
Only as you moved
did my stiff limbs go slack
only as you heaved your body up
out of an open pit
looked me full in the face
and forced yourself to speak
could I feel the granite weight
of an enormous sadness lift
Until then I had always
believed in the absolute
failure of human love
Is love but an imagined wanting
Unreachable, untouchable
Invisibly I move through this world
Failure
Human contact that does not exist
Forever searching for that which was not real
When I was dead; I did not know I was dead
My death is now my life
There will always and forever be an absolute failure of human love
For love is but a figment of the mind
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