When I was a Child, I Spoke as a Child

September 21, 2010 at 2:39 am (Borderline Personality Disorder, letting go, mindfulness, Recovery)
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When I was a Child

Philosopher_27

“When I was a child I spoke as a child I understood as a child I thought as a child; but when I became a man I put away childish things.” I Cor. xiii. 11.

This is from the Christian Bible and though I am Buddhist, I find great respect for the teachings there in. This particular phrase seems more and more real as each day moves forward. You see, I have 2 children. One is 14 and the other is 10 years of age. I remember when I was 14 that I gave my mom a run for her money. I isolated myself when I wasn’t in school or working. I was very withdrawn and for the most part depressed and angry at the same time. Back then, as now, I suffered from a personality disorder called BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder. Back then, I fought for independence. I withdrew from everyone I cared about because I saw everything as black and white, love and hate. I was so scared of abandonment that I basically abandoned them before they did me.

This post however, is not about me. I just thought it was important to give a bit of background. This post is about my son, Scottie. He is caught in that place between child and man. On one hand, he is struggling to define himself. I see him struggling to figure out just who he is. At times, he acts like his friends; and at other times he is standing above everyone to be who he believes he is. There seems to be a fight within his mind about standing out and fitting in. He puts on a tough front but at times he lets me see that insecure boy that is still within him. Those times it seems, are few and far between, but they are there. I wonder if perhaps he has Borderline disorder as well, or perhaps the type of depression I went through as a young teen.

The quote above appears to be written for Scottie. When he was a child he spoke like a child. I heard, “I love you Mom!” 20 times a day. He wanted nothing more than to be with me. I remember spending hours upon hours teaching him and coaching him. I remember pushing him on the swings and playing hide and seek. Now he neither speaks like a child nor an adult. I hear him venting frustration at every turn. In my own opinion, I would like to just let it be. Let him learn from his own mistakes. I however am forced by society and those who constantly tell me that I should do this or that to be more forceful toward him. I am basically forced to lay punishment for mistakes. I do not believe this is the answer. I believe that punishment will not correct mistakes but will make the “child” resentful. I believe that mistakes are a part of growing up. I further believe in natural consequences. I wish I could just raise him the way I want to but society dictates what I have to do and that is frustrating for both of us.

So, when is enough, enough? How far do I go? How far will he go? Will he become a secure adult if he is allowed to make mistakes without punishment or consequences? Who is right? These are a few questions that sit in my own mind. Questions for which there are no real answers. Only time will tell.

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A Better Day

August 15, 2010 at 3:29 pm (Uncategorized)

Hmm. Perhaps a better day is not the best title. Maybe, it should be a better hour or minute. Or, maybe it doesn’t really matter does it.

Some people say that we should take things one day at a time. I have my own philosophy. That philosophy is that we should take things as they come when they come. Worrying about what is going to happen or what has happened only makes things more difficult.

Take this morning for instance. I felt awful when I woke up. My back hurt, my legs hurt, I had a headache and I was just plain grouchy. Well I got a call from some friends to come and spend the day with them. At first I didn’t want to. I just wanted to stay in bed all day and do nothing special. In fact, maybe I was even depressed. I didn’t want to leave my couch. The point is, I did. I got up. Got the laundry together and came over here. After only a few minutes of being up and moving around I started feeling much better. I just had to get over the moment I was in, and move on to the next moment.

I tell you what. Somedays it really is difficult to get out of bed. Not only for the physical pain but the emotional effects that go along with it and with life in general sometimes. I am feeling much better right now though and I am not going to focus on what is going on the rest of the day, week, month or year. I just am.

What are you doing right now?

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Rant

August 14, 2010 at 5:29 pm (Uncategorized)

SEPARATE OR DIFFERENT?

    I know being a Buddhist that one of the goals is to actually let go of wanting. However, being an unenlightened human I still find it difficult at times to let go of the want. My problem is I don’t know what I want. I know what I am supposed to want. I know that I am separate from others. Not quite the same. I put on a pretty good show though. I can look normal and act normal but that normal is what is always changing. Normal depends on the situation you’re in and the people you are around. Any deviation from the norm that you find yourself in, effectively separates you from them and it is often hard, if not impossible, to be seen as normal among that group again. So as far as what I want, I want to change what happened and feel again normal in a place that I loved to be. I have not been back since the night I had a seizure. I am embarrassed and I am afraid to face those who actually witnessed the seizure. Will I still be accepted? Will they look at me differently?

    When my hands shake people worry. When I zone out, people worry. When I seize people freak. I have in point of fact, driven away anyone who has gotten close to me because of being different. I have been through counseling, rehab, medical tests, comas, and a variety of other situations all of which make me different. I have a number of diagnosis including PTSD, borderline personality disorder, dissociative disorder, somatic something or other, and it is all just words. I want people to understand that I am just me. You can love me or hate me but in the end it won’t change who or what I am. I abhor liars, but only when I am the one being lied to. Any other time, what they do is what they do. There is someone who I know is lieing to me but I don’t do anything about it because either they will figure out what they want (me) or continue with what they are doing. The problem is that I am actually fully aware of what they are doing. I know. I think they know I know but since neither of us say anything about it, it just sits in the background. I have decided that I can choose to let it hurt, or I can just let it go. That is a positive benefit of dissociation. You only let in what you want.

Well, this is my rant. I am going to get ready and go to work.

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METTA SUTTA: Loving Kindness

July 23, 2010 at 5:22 pm (Buddhism, Dhamma, meditation)
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This is what should be done By one who is skilled in goodness,

skyAnd who knows the path of peace:

Let them be able and upright,

Straightforward and gentle in speech,

Humble and not conceited, Contented and easily satisfied,

Unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways.

Peaceful and calm and wise and skillful, Not proud or demanding in nature.

Let them not do the slightest thing

That the wise would later reprove.

Wishing: In gladness and in safety,

May all beings be at ease.

Whatever living beings there may be;

Whether they are weak or strong, omitting none,

The great or the mighty, medium, short or small,

The seen and the unseen,

Those living near and far away,

Those born and to-be-born —

May all beings be at ease!

Let none deceive another,

Or despise any being in any state.

Let none through anger or ill-will Wish harm upon another.

Even as a mother protects with her life

Her child, her only child,

So with a boundless heart

Should one cherish all living beings;

Radiating kindness over the entire world:

Spreading upwards to the skies,

And downwards to the depths;

Outwards and unbounded,

Freed from hatred and ill-will.

Whether standing or walking, seated or lying down

Free from drowsiness,

One should sustain this recollection.

This is said to be the sublime abiding.

By not holding to fixed views,

The pure-hearted one, having clarity of vision,

Being freed from all sense desires,

Is not born again into this world.

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How Tough are You?

July 15, 2010 at 2:24 am (letting go, meditation, Mindful, mindfulness, Uncategorized)
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How Tough are You?

Can you walk through this world completely alone, observing those around you but never touching, never speaking, never being truly involved? Can you live without ever giving an opinion on anything? Is it really necessary to give an opinion on anything? Would it matter in the end if you spoke your mind or if you remained silent and kind? Too often opinions are just empty words meant as bricks to throw at another. How often does your opinion actually mirror that of another? The answer, if you were being honest with yourself, is rarely and possibly never. What is the point? People play devil’s advocate just to have something to do or something to talk about.

Can you be alone? Do you always look for a reason to be around others? Can you be happy in the company of only yourself? There is so much noise in our world that so many people don’t know how to be quiet and live in the quiet. Most of the people I know must have the television or radio on just to be able to go to sleep. Their lives are filled with noise and activity. There doesn’t seem to be any stillness left. People seem to be uncomfortable with silence and stillness. To me it seems they don’t appreciate what is around them and most times don’t even really know what is around them. Just to test this, close your eyes right now and picture the room you are sitting in. Try to see it exactly the way it is the minute you walked in. Did you see the cobweb in the corner? Did you see the sock on the floor or even the color of your child’s clothes? These are the details we miss when we don’t know silence. To know silence is to know solitude but not only that around you but within you.

A wolf walks alone and one can hear its howl in the wind late at night. It is a long, seemingly lonely, howl, but is it truly lonely? Or, is it a wail of primal pleasure as it celebrates its life? When the moon rises and it’s senses become alert, its eyes glisten with life. Its nose twitches as it picks up the scent of its next meal. It does not take for granted where its next meal is going to come from. It can feel the heartbeat of its prey. Its pulse races as it stalks then chases and brings down its meal. As its teeth sink into the throat of another creature, the warm blood spills into its mouth. Its teeth rip flesh from bone and it drinks of the life within the animal. The wolf knows that each meal may be its last for some time and thus experiences the meal fully. When is the last time you actually took the time to taste your food? Can you eat in silence and feel the food within your mouth. Can you smell and taste the various flavors? When is the last time you have experienced a meal and not just eaten it?

Make choices on purpose. Live on purpose. Be silent. Experience everything.

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Depression

July 10, 2010 at 1:54 am (Uncategorized)
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Depression

    Depression affects everything we do, say, think and even the things we don’t do. It is not always about feeling sad. It doesn’t help when people tell us to “cheer up” or “shake it off”. It is like an invisible giant hand that is squeezing the life out of us. Sometimes it feels like we are taking one step forward and two steps back. It is a real struggle when one part of your brain is telling you to go hang out with your friends and relax but another part of your brain is telling you to lie down and hide away. Sometimes it feels like you just don’t have the energy to do anything.

    Sometimes a friend might ask you to come over and hang out. You turn her down and then seconds later feel guilty for it which adds to the depression you already feel. It is easy to feel like you are never doing enough even when every minute of your life is busy doing something for someone. Then when others help you out, you feel unable to cope. You smile and thank them but inside, you still feel lost. You may feel like your life has turned upside down and that you have lost control.

    Some people say “I know how you feel” but they can’t. They are not you. So what now? What do you do when you are left without choices? I am going to offer one suggestion. Make your own choices. Do small things that give you a sense of accomplishment. Bake a cake. Clean a table. Walk your dog. These are decisions and choices that you make that might make a small difference. I know these things won’t bring you out of the depression by themselves but they are just some simple things that can help you to feel OK even for a few minutes.

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There is No Companionship with a Fool

March 3, 2010 at 2:07 pm (letting go)
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There is No Companionship with a Fool.


It occurred to me recently that I have been keeping the company of a fool. I completely believe that forgiveness is essential to a peaceful mind. I further hold close to me a saying from Ajahn Brahm who in a story said that one should forgive always one more time. I further thought that to be loyal to this philosophy that I should let things go when someone wrongs me or hurts me in some way. However, sometimes, people take advantage of this forgiveness. They take it lightly and just assume they can do or say what ever they want because they know they can get away with it. Perhaps, when you keep the company of fools you become one yourself. Sometimes, you have to say enough is enough and while you can still forgive, it may be time to let go of the relationship, friendship, or companionship. The Dhammapada says, “If on one’s way one does not come across one’s better or an equal, then one should press on resolutely alone. There is no companionship with a fool.”

There comes a time when we must move forward and stop treading water. When we realize that we have been standing still when we should have been moving it can be a disconcerting feeling. So what do you do when you know that enough is enough. What do you do when you have been reliant on a fool.

  1. Reclaim yourself.
  2. Know that there are options beyond what you have been using.
  3. Find your stillness and it does not hurt to let go.

I am not saying that it may not cause difficulty to let go but if holding on is hurting you, what is more difficult?

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I slipped

February 24, 2010 at 1:19 pm (Uncategorized)
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I was inspired today by reading a post by the Invisible Dragon. It was his apology. That made me realize why I have been procrastinating on blogging and offering words that may help others. It is because I have slipped away from my own peace. I have been letting my own pain and the resulting stress rule over my body and mind. Well, today, in this moment I am taking back that peace I once had. I am letting go of the pain in my body and just as importantly my mind. I apologize to those who found peace with the writings and I can only ask for your forgiveness as I start anew right now.

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The Dream

February 2, 2010 at 6:42 pm (Recovery)
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The Dream

I am standing in front of a large crowd. I am speaking to a thousand women. Some of the women are battered and bruised. Some are drug addicts and alcoholics. I see some women screaming in pain and anger but I hear no sound other than the sound of my own voice. It appears as though the women in the audience before me are standing in some sort of blazing lava. It is what I imagine Hell must look like if there is one. Their faces are contorted with torment. It is darkness all around them. The only light I see is on me. It is like I am bathed in a spotlight. I am not afraid. I just know that I have to help them. I have to save them from the hell they writhe in. That is the over powering emotion of the dream. It feels like I am being pulled to help. They beg me with their eyes. I do not know the faces of the women but they seem familiar to me for some reason. I am certain that I can help them. I can show them a way out of the misery. They are stuck, trapped. I can help them break the chains that bind them in place. Maybe those chains are made of fear and hatred and ill-will. The chains could be their inability to find their own direction.

This has been a recurring dream for the past couple of years but seems to be more present lately and much more vivid. I remember the dream during the waking hours. When the grey light of the winter sun filters through the windows and I am sitting in silence, the image appears in my mind without my beckoning. Sometimes in my meditation I can see their faces. There is always the silence though. I live inside the silence as much as I can. This is how I gain insight. I meditate often. I see things clearly and can experience things more fully. That is a great benefit of meditation. But I wonder about the dream and the images from time to time. Is this dream trying to tell me something? Is it a premonition of what is to come? Or, is it a journey that I am supposed to begin? I have been on death’s door twice with machines pumping my heart and ventilator breathing for me. It was the second time when the dreams started. The urge to do something is so strong that at times I feel like I need to remember something I have forgotten. I feel like I must move in the direction of seeing that dream in real life. I do not claim to be enlightened or even close to it, but something is definitely going on because I know it the way I know my own face in the mirror.

It occurs to me that I wonder if I am worthy of helping those that are calling out to me. Can I really help? Will I know the right thing to say at the right time? I sometimes feel like I am in a car with the motor running and my foot on the break pedal. What will happen if I begin to move?

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Insight: Too Much Stuff

January 28, 2010 at 5:21 am (letting go)
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Insight: Too Much Stuff

When you look around the room you are in right now, what do you see? Is there stuff everywhere? Do you have pictures on the walls? Are those pictures accurate? If you have pictures, are they to remind you that you had some magnificent experience sometime in the past? Pictures usually only show the good things that have happened. The reality is, that what we capture in photographs are usually lies. Most pictures taken of babies and small children are only because the photographer got the child to laugh after an hour and a half temper tantrum. Am I wrong? Do you really love the things you have hanging on your walls? Would you be devastated if those things were lost to you? The memory is in your mind, do you really need pictures?

Now, take a look at your shelves. Are they cluttered with nick-knacks, or just stuff that you stuck there because you were in a hurry or didn’t have another place for it? Are there books that you have read? Shoot, there are probably books that you intended to read a long time ago and never got to it. Maybe, this is a source of stress for you, so you don’t look at your shelves.

Ahhh, what about your closets! Do you find that they are packed to the gills with clothes and more stuff? Why do we hold on to all this stuff? They are just things. How many things do we really need anyway? If we don’t love the things we have then why do we hold on to them? If you were really honest with yourself, and yes, I know that is hard to do, but if you are honest with yourself could you let go of some of the stuff that is causing you stress. If you really think that you will read that book then sure go ahead and keep it a while longer. If not, bless somebody else with it. Give it to your local library or a needy family in the area. What you don’t love maybe someone else will.

If you want to find some peace in your home, you need to start letting go of things that do not bring you peace. If the nick-Knacks just cause you stress because you have to clean them, then they are not bringing you peace. Let them go. The same with all those clothes and shoes in your closet. If you haven’t warn it in a year or used it in a year then let it go. You fill find as you clear more and more space that you begin to feel as the space feels.

Now before you go jumping in, please remember you didn’t accumulate all that in a day so don’t try to get rid of it all in a day. Take your time. For each thing you pick up really experience the object and decide if it is worthy of the space it will take up. If it isn’t let it go. Do this a little at a time and you will find that your peace and happiness will grow.

I love my empty walls. I have two sets of clothes for work and about 5 sets for other days. One set of dress up clothes. Doing laundry is easy J and so is deciding what to wear. If I do decide to buy something new, shoes for instance, then I let the old shoes go.

When you can let go of things, you can let go of stress, hurtful memories, and live in the present moment with no worries of the future and no regrets from the past.

Thank you for reading

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