September 27, 2010 at 10:05 pm (Just Thinking)
Tags: benefit, blog, blogging, calm, change, empty, good, happy, letting go of pain, thinking
Just a Thought
The thing about being happy, is to know that you don’t need to have a lot and a lot of stuff. My home is a small trailer but it keeps my boys and I out of the heat and out of the snowy winters. There is no room to accumulate much, but when it does start getting to be too much, I let go of what I can and use what I cannot. I like my little home.
September 27, 2010 at 1:47 am (Borderline Personality Disorder, Mindful)
Tags: action, anger, benefit, Buddhism, calm, change, Education, kindness, Mindful, mindfulness, present moment awareness, skills, wisemind
Practicing Kind Speech
When people have relationships with others it is inevitable to come into contact with disagreements or differences of opinion. These relationships can be anyone from those you work with to your friends, family and children. So, what can we do when we encounter conflict?
I have a 10 year old who has Autism (very mild) but has severe anger issues when things do not go his way. He gets very hostile and aggressive with intense bouts of rage. At times it is very difficult for me to control my own emotions during these times. I have found though that If I am able to remain in control it is easier for him to regain his own control. To do this, I have to watch my own speech and not focus on his. I practice listening to what he is saying and responding in a way that is both validating and kind, but at the same time, I am the parent. I do have to set some limits to prevent him from harming either himself or other. This is the tricky part because I am human. I have emotions and it is not always easy to keep them in check when a 160 pound, 5′ 3″ ten year old is screaming and raging right in my face. However, I am very conscious of the fact that if I rage with him, it will solve no problems and usually make the situation worse and leaves us both feeling exceedingly bad. What I have learned raising this child is that I do not have to let my emotions control me. Rather, I do not even have to see the rage as directed at me. Instead, I can see it for what it is. A child who has lost control and is very insecure and unable to handle the intense feelings that is inside his mind.
What I have described is a bit on the extreme side compared to what we all handle on a day to day basis. However, it is valuable because it has shown me that I can deal with other people being angry without becoming angry myself. Have you ever heard the phrase, “Kill them with kindness” or “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar”? These sayings are so on point. When you “fight fire with fire” all you do is cause more destruction and more fire. Also, if someone is treating you badly and speaking unkindly to you, it is important to try to not take it personally because everybody has bad days. People get tired, stressed, grouchy, hungry and sad. Most of the time if someone is yelling at you it is not because you deserve it, but rather they are unsure of how to deal with their own emotions, thus they are taking them out on you. There are several ways to handle a situation where one person is being difficult toward you. You can say, “I’m sorry”. So many times a simple apology will go a long way, whether you actually did something wrong or not. Remaining calm, you will do a lot to help the other person regain control. Speak quietly. When you speak quietly, it forces the other person to lower their voice in order to hear you. When you can do nothing more, do nothing. Do not egg them on or let your own emotions get in the way of your own wise mind. Nobody can make you feel anything.
Stephen R. Covey once said, “Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.”
September 22, 2010 at 12:40 am (Borderline Personality Disorder, Buddhism, DBT, Mindful, Recovery)
Tags: action, anger, benefit, blog, Buddhism, calm, change, Education, letting go, meditation, Mindful, present moment awareness, stress relief, thinking, wisemind
Hardship Brings New Incentive to Practice Life Skills
I am having a hard time right now with coping with things lately. Normally, meditation works to solve stress that I find myself in. Unfortunately, Monkey Mind has taken over and I have decided that it is time to put my DBT (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy) Skills to work. I learned these skills some time ago and found a great deal of success in overcoming much of the anxious tension that fills me up.
The first thing to do is to determine what is really causing the problems. I believe there are several issues going on at the same time.
Now that I have listed the things that are problems for me, I can begin to analyze them and formulate solutions. Sometimes, there really is no solution and if there is no answer then it is not a problem and I will work to let it go.
One of the first things I need to do is reduce my vulnerability to Emotion Mind. This means using the PLEASE skills.
P L(Treat PhysicaL Illness)
E (Balanced Eating)
A (Avoid mood altering drugs and alcohol)
S (balance Sleep)
E (Exercise)
Another Skill I am going to work on is One-in-the-Moment. This means being mindful of what I am doing and only doing one thing at a time. It will be especially helpful in getting my house back under control. I got a pretty good start on it today by cleaning out two closets that have been bothering my mind due to the fact that they were accumulating just stuff. I am a strong proponent of having nothing that is not a need. So, I went through and tossed those things that were not necessary to hold on to.
Using One in the Moment will also help with my communication with the children. It is really easy to let the squabbling and fighting escalate to an unmanageable level when I am trying to deal with the boys and do other things. I believe that if I handle it as soon as it starts and do it directly, not from another room, that I can eliminate some of the tension.
So, for the next week these are the two skills that I am going to focus on. I will be posting progress and results as the week moves forward.
September 21, 2010 at 2:39 am (Borderline Personality Disorder, letting go, mindfulness, Recovery)
Tags: action, blog, Buddhism, change, depression, forgiveness, goals, Mindful, wisemind
When I was a Child
Philosopher_27
“When I was a child I spoke as a child I understood as a child I thought as a child; but when I became a man I put away childish things.” I Cor. xiii. 11.
This is from the Christian Bible and though I am Buddhist, I find great respect for the teachings there in. This particular phrase seems more and more real as each day moves forward. You see, I have 2 children. One is 14 and the other is 10 years of age. I remember when I was 14 that I gave my mom a run for her money. I isolated myself when I wasn’t in school or working. I was very withdrawn and for the most part depressed and angry at the same time. Back then, as now, I suffered from a personality disorder called BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder. Back then, I fought for independence. I withdrew from everyone I cared about because I saw everything as black and white, love and hate. I was so scared of abandonment that I basically abandoned them before they did me.
This post however, is not about me. I just thought it was important to give a bit of background. This post is about my son, Scottie. He is caught in that place between child and man. On one hand, he is struggling to define himself. I see him struggling to figure out just who he is. At times, he acts like his friends; and at other times he is standing above everyone to be who he believes he is. There seems to be a fight within his mind about standing out and fitting in. He puts on a tough front but at times he lets me see that insecure boy that is still within him. Those times it seems, are few and far between, but they are there. I wonder if perhaps he has Borderline disorder as well, or perhaps the type of depression I went through as a young teen.
The quote above appears to be written for Scottie. When he was a child he spoke like a child. I heard, “I love you Mom!” 20 times a day. He wanted nothing more than to be with me. I remember spending hours upon hours teaching him and coaching him. I remember pushing him on the swings and playing hide and seek. Now he neither speaks like a child nor an adult. I hear him venting frustration at every turn. In my own opinion, I would like to just let it be. Let him learn from his own mistakes. I however am forced by society and those who constantly tell me that I should do this or that to be more forceful toward him. I am basically forced to lay punishment for mistakes. I do not believe this is the answer. I believe that punishment will not correct mistakes but will make the “child” resentful. I believe that mistakes are a part of growing up. I further believe in natural consequences. I wish I could just raise him the way I want to but society dictates what I have to do and that is frustrating for both of us.
So, when is enough, enough? How far do I go? How far will he go? Will he become a secure adult if he is allowed to make mistakes without punishment or consequences? Who is right? These are a few questions that sit in my own mind. Questions for which there are no real answers. Only time will tell.
